- Feb 1, 2005
- 19,120
- 6,003
- Staff
- #1
On the back of high praise for his first 'no holds barred' behind the scenes exposes of Tottenham Hotspur (reviews included "not funny", "I thought it was shit, actually" and "Bill, if you're not off that laptop by the time I count to three...") Bill_Oddie returns with another top class one-on-one. This time it's the term of our vice/assistant/would-be captain, Jermaine Jenas.
Bill_Oddie: Jermaine, thanks for joining me. Do you mind if we start with some questions about your previous clubs?
Jermaine Jenas: Course. Would you like a macadamia slice? I baked them this morning.
BO: Erm, okay. Don’t mind if I do. [takes bite] Mmm. That’s delicious. You’re a great cook, JJ. But let’s crack on. Now, I watched you play as a youngster at the City Ground on numerous occasions. Then you moved onto Newcastle before complaining that you felt like you were performing in a ‘goldfish’ bowl. How is being at Spurs different to those two…err, Jermaine. Excuse me. We’re in an interview. Can you take off those earphones and turn the iPod off, please?
JJ: Oh, sorry Bill.
BO: What’s wrong with you?
JJ: My mind just wandered. I’m always doing that.
BO: I suppose it’s the latest Kanye West or Usher or Eminem or something?
JJ: Eminem? No way. I’m learning Esperanto. I’ve already mastered Japanese, Spanish, Russian, Flemish, Greek and Urdu this season but I thought Esperanto, being an international language, would be good.
BO: But it’s useless. No-one speaks Esperanto. It’s a dead language. Why bother?
JJ: Oh, you know. Just to keep me busy. I’m not happy unless I’m busy. In the time since we started this interview I’ve been practicing quantum theory, working out the exact price of this week’s grocery shopping bearing in mind that Jammie Dodgers are ‘buy two get one free’, I have a 5% discount coupon on Fanta and that when I get to Sainsbury’s they’ll be offering half-snapped French baguettes at 30% discount. And I’ve also written four limericks based on your name.
BO: Impressive stuff. But what practical benefit does that offer to this interview.
JJ: None whatsoever.
BO: Right. Still, I’ll admit, you’ve worked bloody hard. Now, you’re one of Spurs’ most senior players and a regular England international. As such, we’re reliant on you to help drag us out of the mess we’re in. Do you feel confident that you can lead us in our hour of need and that the team around you are up for the battle, both psychologically and physically?
JJ: Yes.
BO: That’s it? ‘Yes’? You see, Jermaine, this is exactly what pisses off us fans about you. You’re clearly very intelligent, talented and gifted – seriously, these Macadamia slices are the business, by the way – but you never look like you’re putting in any effort.
JJ: Oops. Sorry. Well, okay, here’s what I think: The boys struggled initially this campaign as the complex tactical indexes of Juande Ramos were unfamiliar. Players no longer had set positions. The idea was to transmogrify across different areas of the pitch attracting confusion to the opposition and delivering numerous opportunities to one single goal-poaching being. This could be in the form of crosses from Bento or Baley, long-probing balls from Hudd or Luca, intricate passing moves involving myself, Azza, and Luca, or even one of those mental runs that goes nowhere in particular from Didier. The essence of this form of football is the split pivot in the centre and attacking wing-backs. Personnel-wise we seemed okay with the system but the problem was that we hadn’t had a chance to test it out against ‘proper’ English sides (which made the sub-par Roma team that we played pre-season so disappointing and lulled us into a false sense of security). Our weakness was always going to be against sides who sit with two banks of four very deep. That, sadly, applies to just about every team in the Premier League – some would argue that our excellent results against the so called ‘big 4’ could be explained by this – and once other managers saw Gareth Southgate and Roy Keane’s successes in our opening games, hitting us hard on the break and delivering quality crosses from out wide, our system was instantly shown up and our confidence gone. We had all the possession in the world but that didn’t stop us thinking that if we gave it away we were potentially just 2 or 3 passes from conceding a goal, no matter how good our backline was. A lot of blame, perhaps fairly, has fallen on the midfield and as one of the creative links in the side I know it’s up to me to unlock defences and make things happen. But, even with 70% of the ball like we had against Boro, Sunderland, Wigan, Hull and so on, that isn’t easy when there are ten men always stood together between you and the goal. Our strength – that is our footballing talent, ability to hold onto the ball and the fact that we were fitter, quicker and, yes, better, than our opponents – had been negated by the simple tactic of the opposition letting us have the ball and standing deep between us and the goal. That brought down a manager, his staff, a sporting director and basically a whole era of Spurs football. Harry’s ‘back to basics’ approach has gone okay but it’s going to be hard to effectively re-educate young players and make them play yet another type of football. Not least because, with such an array of potential, we simply don’t know what actually is our best formation or best eleven players, let alone the tactics for them to perform in. We have to be realistic about our objectives this season and as we find our best type of league football put every human effort into maximising our cup performances to give the fans something to sing and shout about. We’ll be going hell for leather in all three cups now, don’t you worry and we’re as desperate as you guys are to see more silverware at the Lane.
BO: Wow! Great answer. Thanks, JJ. Very positive, too. Sorry for claiming you were wasting your talent before. That’s a perceptive, honest and incisive response. Now, you say you want to see us lift a trophy this year. Which one do you want to win most?
JJ: Ummm, don’t know.
BO: Jermaine! Don’t go back to being stupid! This is very frustrating.
JJ: Sorry.
BO: Is that it? Is that all we’re going to get? ‘Sorry’? and ‘Don’t know’?
JJ: Perhaps I could alphabetise your bookshelves? I did that for Joe Jordan last week. It didn’t take long as he only had books about gangland murderers from under-privileged areas of Scotland and Northern England.
BO: That won’t be necessary. What I’d really like is one more answer like you gave to my criticism that you never put in a consistent amount of effort. Can you do that?
JJ: Unquestionably.
BO: Will you do it now?
JJ: Really unlikely, if I’m honest.
BO: Great. Well, that’s about the time we have, Jermaine. In this interview you’ve been both brilliant and anonymous. You’ve shown signs of savvy way beyond most people’s capabilities. You’ve also shown huge work-rate – albeit most of it was utterly useless in the context of the interview – and baked a bloody marvelous macadamia cake. However, you leave me thoroughly frustrated.
JJ: Sorry, Bill. I tried my best. And the more intelligent followers of interviews will have picked up the interesting fact that…
BO: …all the first letters of your answers spell out ‘Come On You Spurs’? Yes, very pretty. But is that enough for a top interviewee? We’ll have to let Harry, Fabio and the good people of Spurs Community decide that. Now, give us another slice of that cake.
Bill_Oddie: Jermaine, thanks for joining me. Do you mind if we start with some questions about your previous clubs?
Jermaine Jenas: Course. Would you like a macadamia slice? I baked them this morning.
BO: Erm, okay. Don’t mind if I do. [takes bite] Mmm. That’s delicious. You’re a great cook, JJ. But let’s crack on. Now, I watched you play as a youngster at the City Ground on numerous occasions. Then you moved onto Newcastle before complaining that you felt like you were performing in a ‘goldfish’ bowl. How is being at Spurs different to those two…err, Jermaine. Excuse me. We’re in an interview. Can you take off those earphones and turn the iPod off, please?
JJ: Oh, sorry Bill.
BO: What’s wrong with you?
JJ: My mind just wandered. I’m always doing that.
BO: I suppose it’s the latest Kanye West or Usher or Eminem or something?
JJ: Eminem? No way. I’m learning Esperanto. I’ve already mastered Japanese, Spanish, Russian, Flemish, Greek and Urdu this season but I thought Esperanto, being an international language, would be good.
BO: But it’s useless. No-one speaks Esperanto. It’s a dead language. Why bother?
JJ: Oh, you know. Just to keep me busy. I’m not happy unless I’m busy. In the time since we started this interview I’ve been practicing quantum theory, working out the exact price of this week’s grocery shopping bearing in mind that Jammie Dodgers are ‘buy two get one free’, I have a 5% discount coupon on Fanta and that when I get to Sainsbury’s they’ll be offering half-snapped French baguettes at 30% discount. And I’ve also written four limericks based on your name.
BO: Impressive stuff. But what practical benefit does that offer to this interview.
JJ: None whatsoever.
BO: Right. Still, I’ll admit, you’ve worked bloody hard. Now, you’re one of Spurs’ most senior players and a regular England international. As such, we’re reliant on you to help drag us out of the mess we’re in. Do you feel confident that you can lead us in our hour of need and that the team around you are up for the battle, both psychologically and physically?
JJ: Yes.
BO: That’s it? ‘Yes’? You see, Jermaine, this is exactly what pisses off us fans about you. You’re clearly very intelligent, talented and gifted – seriously, these Macadamia slices are the business, by the way – but you never look like you’re putting in any effort.
JJ: Oops. Sorry. Well, okay, here’s what I think: The boys struggled initially this campaign as the complex tactical indexes of Juande Ramos were unfamiliar. Players no longer had set positions. The idea was to transmogrify across different areas of the pitch attracting confusion to the opposition and delivering numerous opportunities to one single goal-poaching being. This could be in the form of crosses from Bento or Baley, long-probing balls from Hudd or Luca, intricate passing moves involving myself, Azza, and Luca, or even one of those mental runs that goes nowhere in particular from Didier. The essence of this form of football is the split pivot in the centre and attacking wing-backs. Personnel-wise we seemed okay with the system but the problem was that we hadn’t had a chance to test it out against ‘proper’ English sides (which made the sub-par Roma team that we played pre-season so disappointing and lulled us into a false sense of security). Our weakness was always going to be against sides who sit with two banks of four very deep. That, sadly, applies to just about every team in the Premier League – some would argue that our excellent results against the so called ‘big 4’ could be explained by this – and once other managers saw Gareth Southgate and Roy Keane’s successes in our opening games, hitting us hard on the break and delivering quality crosses from out wide, our system was instantly shown up and our confidence gone. We had all the possession in the world but that didn’t stop us thinking that if we gave it away we were potentially just 2 or 3 passes from conceding a goal, no matter how good our backline was. A lot of blame, perhaps fairly, has fallen on the midfield and as one of the creative links in the side I know it’s up to me to unlock defences and make things happen. But, even with 70% of the ball like we had against Boro, Sunderland, Wigan, Hull and so on, that isn’t easy when there are ten men always stood together between you and the goal. Our strength – that is our footballing talent, ability to hold onto the ball and the fact that we were fitter, quicker and, yes, better, than our opponents – had been negated by the simple tactic of the opposition letting us have the ball and standing deep between us and the goal. That brought down a manager, his staff, a sporting director and basically a whole era of Spurs football. Harry’s ‘back to basics’ approach has gone okay but it’s going to be hard to effectively re-educate young players and make them play yet another type of football. Not least because, with such an array of potential, we simply don’t know what actually is our best formation or best eleven players, let alone the tactics for them to perform in. We have to be realistic about our objectives this season and as we find our best type of league football put every human effort into maximising our cup performances to give the fans something to sing and shout about. We’ll be going hell for leather in all three cups now, don’t you worry and we’re as desperate as you guys are to see more silverware at the Lane.
BO: Wow! Great answer. Thanks, JJ. Very positive, too. Sorry for claiming you were wasting your talent before. That’s a perceptive, honest and incisive response. Now, you say you want to see us lift a trophy this year. Which one do you want to win most?
JJ: Ummm, don’t know.
BO: Jermaine! Don’t go back to being stupid! This is very frustrating.
JJ: Sorry.
BO: Is that it? Is that all we’re going to get? ‘Sorry’? and ‘Don’t know’?
JJ: Perhaps I could alphabetise your bookshelves? I did that for Joe Jordan last week. It didn’t take long as he only had books about gangland murderers from under-privileged areas of Scotland and Northern England.
BO: That won’t be necessary. What I’d really like is one more answer like you gave to my criticism that you never put in a consistent amount of effort. Can you do that?
JJ: Unquestionably.
BO: Will you do it now?
JJ: Really unlikely, if I’m honest.
BO: Great. Well, that’s about the time we have, Jermaine. In this interview you’ve been both brilliant and anonymous. You’ve shown signs of savvy way beyond most people’s capabilities. You’ve also shown huge work-rate – albeit most of it was utterly useless in the context of the interview – and baked a bloody marvelous macadamia cake. However, you leave me thoroughly frustrated.
JJ: Sorry, Bill. I tried my best. And the more intelligent followers of interviews will have picked up the interesting fact that…
BO: …all the first letters of your answers spell out ‘Come On You Spurs’? Yes, very pretty. But is that enough for a top interviewee? We’ll have to let Harry, Fabio and the good people of Spurs Community decide that. Now, give us another slice of that cake.
