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Bill Meets...Kevin-Prince Boateng

Bill_Oddie

Everything in Moderation
Staff
Feb 1, 2005
19,120
6,003
Those of you with no friends or social life and a worrying addiction to the internet may have noticed that ‘popular’ contributor Bill_Oddie has been strangely absent from Spurs Community for the past two months. Now, he strangely returns with the fruits of his labour from these past 60 days – interviews with players and staff from Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.


Here is the first in a new series of hard-hitting one-on-ones that promises to pull no punches and show what really goes on behind the scenes at White Hart Lane and Spurs Lodge. It definitely isn’t made up, you know.


Part One: Bill meets...Kevin-Prince Boateng



Bill_Oddie: Kevin-Prince. That’s an unusual name. What’s the story behind it?

Kevin-Prince Boateng: It’s not as unusual as your face.

BO: I’m sorry?

KPB: You should be, fool.

BO: Erm, right. Okay, so, what is it like being at Tottenham?

KPB: Your mum.

BO: Sorry, we seem to have got off on the wrong foot. Perhaps I could ask a bit about your football. The fans haven’t seen too much of you, apart from short bursts of physically imposing clashes, the odd committed run, combined with some nice touches. For those that are unfamiliar with your style of play could you describe what sort of footballer you are? Gerrard-esque? Keane-like? Bit like Beckham? What are you?

KPB: A Gangsta.

BO: I don’t understand. What’s your favourite position?

KPB: Oh, he di’n’t? He did. Di'n’t he? Did you? You did! Oh, man! Wooosh! [At this moment, Boateng performs an overly complex hand-slap and chest-bump with each member of his 18-strong entourage].

BO: Right. So, who is your idol?

KPB: Oh, easy. Cordozar Calvin Broadus Junior.

BO: Ah, yes. Wasn’t he the top scorer for River Plate last season?

KPB: No, fool! He Snoop Dogg.

BO: Snoop Dogg? The rapper?

KPB: Word.

BO: Sorry, I meant ‘who’s your favourite player?’

KPB: As I say, Snoop Doog. That brotha’s the best f*****’ playa in the whole world.

BO: Is there really not someone else? I don’t know, you’re German, so you wouldn’t say Gerd Muller or Franz Beckenbauer or Jurgen Klinsmann or something?

KPB: Are you nuts? Franz f*****’ Beckenbauer? How many times you see that white boy bouncing down the street in a low-rider with hos on his arm and tons of bling round his neck?

BO: Admittedly not very often. Moving on, you’ve not had many first team opportunities at Tottenham. Is that very frustrating? How has it been playing most of your football for the reserves?

KPB: They ain’t ‘The Reserves’. Only pansy-ass white boys call them ‘The Reserves’. Since me, Fraize, Gio, Adel, Jonny B, Danny Rose, A-dog Townsend and co took over the house we renamed ourselves ‘The Gs’.

BO: For ‘Gangstas’?

KPB: You know it.

BO: So, how is it playing for the Gs? You seem to have been getting much better after a fairly average start.

KPB: What you got to get into your mind is; The Gs ain’t about football. It’s like that Danny Blanchfizzle – now there’s an honourary fuckin’ n***** if ever there was one – said: ‘It ain’t about going out there and waiting for the other team to die of boredom.’ We all, like, totally take that to our hearts. That f*****’ resonates with us, man. We don’t want no-one come to watch us and die ‘cos they ain’t interested. So, we spend hours, sometimes days, getting our hair and our threads just nice. Then we go out onto that pitch and we do all the tricks and flicks. It’s like watching the Harlem Globetrotters. Just with a football.

BO: Right. That explains a lot about Adel Taarabt. So why have the results steadily improved for ‘The Gs’?

KPB: One day, we was doing okay, but then A-dog came into the dressing room and he had a photo. It was a photo of the trophy we would get if we win the reserve league. Man, you should see that bling! That s*** is ours, man!

BO: Now, you were in the papers last week after the club Christmas party and you were pictured with what the tabloid newspapers described as ‘a bevy of attractive young ladies’. Are nights out in London different to what you were used to growing up in the poor Wedding district, or ghetto, or Berlin?

KPB: Man, that was bad. There was scum everywhere. You couldn’t go out without groups ganging up on you pointing s*** in your face, people wanting your money, pushing drugs on you, trying to lead you astray and s***. I just thank God I got out… Berlin was pretty rough, too.

BO: Okay, last question. Going back to your name, do your friends call you Kevin, or Kevin-Prince or your nickname from your youth – ‘Ghetto Kid’? Do other players here at Spurs call you that?

KPB: Not anymore, no. I always change my tag. It keeps me fresh. You remember how Kevin Federline got his name shortened to K-Fed? Last year, I got my homeys to call me ‘K-Boat’. But now I’m all about the ‘Prince’…

BO: You mean Prince Andrew?

KPB: Damn, man. How white is you? I mean ‘Prince’. The Artist. Like him, I’m going to change my name to a symbol.

BO: Which symbol?

KPB: I think this one. [draws a π on a napkin]

BO: Pi?

KPB: Yeah. I like it. That way when the crowd sing ‘who ate all the pi?’ I can point at my hos and shout back ‘dem bitches!’ [laughs and goes into more complex chest bumps with entourage allowing me to slip away unnoticed].
 

daffygremlin

Member
Jul 19, 2008
282
2
hahaha very very funny. you should get phil cornwell to read it out on the Spurs show! I feel kinda bad for KPB in all honesty but still a very funny read.
 

Barmy_in_Palmy

El Presidente In Absentia
Jun 6, 2005
16,254
17,215
Those of you with no friends or social life and a worrying addiction to the internet may have noticed that ‘popular’ contributor Bill_Oddie has been strangely absent from Spurs Community for the past two months.


Hey I've got shitfaced twice this month, but yes I had noticed. :cry:
 

LadieK

Yiddess
Staff
Sep 25, 2004
24,185
45
:lol: :lol:

Dude, it's Christmas! Get out some more!

Very good read though, 'specially the last bit!!
 

infamousyiddo

Active Member
May 8, 2006
1,182
88
derogatory, stereotypical :bs:, but each dog to their own lamppost i suppose!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL
 

alextheyid

..can't smile without you...
Dec 13, 2007
1,440
2
wow can't believe KPB would come out with all that...

..knew he was a gangster but..

..:D good read Bill!!
 

Houdini

No better cure for the blues than some good pussy.
Jul 10, 2006
56,725
78,457
You fucking fool........half way through i realised you weren't really talking to KPB, you made it all up.......you must think we are all stupid and fick to believe it.
I feel like i have been used.........

























Merry Christmas............BO........:bowdown:
 

Stoof

THERE IS A PIGEON IN MY BANK ACCOUNT
Staff
Jun 5, 2004
32,219
64,273
derogatory, stereotypical :bs:, but each dog to their own lamppost i suppose!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL

And football fans are never derogatory or base anything they say on ridiculous stereotypes. It's a funny piece, by a well-respected member of this site.

If it's not your cup-o-tea, it wouldn't hurt to be a bit constructive, as opposed to plain rude.

[stereotypemode]
To be honest I'm surprised that you find time to post on this site considering all of your complaints to the BBC about Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, the subject material of which you probably still haven't heard or seen.
[/stereotypemode]

Hmmm, it's not like stereotypes are accurate or anything.

Tell me!!!!111one

Bank.
 

michaelden

Knight of the Fat Fanny
Aug 13, 2004
26,386
21,685
:lol:

nice but couldn't you get round to interviewing a 1st team regular?
 

JoeT

Well-Known Member
Jun 7, 2005
3,813
935
Hey 'alextheyid', it's not "KPB", it's "the man formerly known as KPB"
 
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