THX2208
Ubisoft Goes Steamworks Bye Bye; Always On DRM
- Dec 6, 2006
- 2,924
- 4,780
Goalkeeper: Phil Jagielka (Everton)
Apparently there's a photograph that takes pride of place in Phil Jagielka's home of the England and Everton centre-half in action against Arsenal. What's unusual is that Jagielka is wearing goalkeeping gloves and the photograph in question depicts him diving to save from Robin van Persie. It was by far the most famous of four occasions on which Jagielka replaced Paddy Kenny in goal for Sheffield United. Oddly enough, he doesn't display a photograph of himself between the sticks when they lost 3-0 to Plymouth but Jagielka says: "The picture of my save from Van Persie does make me chuckle."
Right-Back: David Luiz (Chelsea)
The statistics show that David Luiz attempts 1.2 dribbles per Premier League game. But when we tell you that's more than Daniel Sturridge, Juan Mata, Fernando Torres, Florent Malouda and every other Chelsea player barring Ramires, you should raise your eyebrows and say 'that's unusual for a centre-half'. Unusual? It's bats**t mental. Luiz doesn't look like a centre-half, doesn't play like a centre-half and is utterly lacking the 'safety first' instinct usually found in a centre-half. Whoever replaces AVB needs to take Luiz by his wonderful hair and drag him into a position where his dribbling will not end in heart palpitations.
Centre-Half: Jose Reina (Liverpool)
There's a Youtube clip out there (here, in fact) of Jose Reina playing in midfield in a pre-season friendly against Kaiserslautern and getting much closer to scoring a goal than Stewart Downing. We won't push him that far away from his comfort zone for the purposes of this utterly pointless experiment, but he has all the attributes (height, presence, excellent distribution) to make a ball-playing centre-half. And the ideal partner for...
Centre-Half: Andy Carroll (Liverpool)
There was a moment during a recent Liverpool game when we were very impressed indeed with Andy Carroll. Unfortunately for the £35m striker, it was when he won two defensive headers in quick succession, clearing the ball way out of the penalty area. He's rather good at heading the ball - upwards and with distance. This is not so handy when you are trying to score or to retain possession, but for a centre-half it's an excellent quality. We miss the days of strikers filling in at centre-half - Dion Dublin, Chris Sutton - and think Kenny Dalglish should pander to our nostalgia by pairing Carroll with Martin Skrtel for truly scary times.
Left-Back: Stewart Downing (Liverpool)
50 shots without a goal, 43 chances created without an assist - it's clearly time for a change of tack from Downing as this 'winger' business simply isn't working out. Steve McClaren describes his deployment of Downing as a left-back during Middlesbrough's UEFA Cup run as his 'lightbulb moment of the whole campaign', and who are we to argue with a tactical genius? Downing is disciplined, a neat tackler and would be effective on the overlap a la Leighton Baines. And most importantly, the 'shooting wildly over' part of his game would be reduced to a minimum. Lightbulb, indeed.
Central Midfield: Vincent Kompany (Manchester City)
"My favourite position is in midfield but I can deliver just as good a job from central defence," said Vincent Kompany just before he became probably the best centre-half in the Premier League. The clue that he was bought principally as a midfielder lies in the '4' on his back but it's safe to say that Kompany will never be pushed into midfield again. Except by us, because we recognise his neat passing ability, his appetite for a tackle and his delight in occasional forward bursts made possible by other erstwhile centre-halves (Yaya Toure and Gareth Barry) playing in front of him. We could have put Ledley King in this position but his knees would never survive.
Central Midfield: Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
"I feel I'm a good enough footballer to play anywhere on the park. That's not being big-headed. I feel I am capable of doing that. If the manager wants me to play there, I have no problem in doing that," said Wayne Rooney during a three-game spell in central midfield earlier this season that illustrated a lack of midfield quality further demonstrated when Paul Scholes was recalled from retirement. We have long lost track of the number of e-mails from United fans - all of whom think they have stumbled upon a ground-breaking idea - entitled 'Is Wayne Rooney the new Paul Scholes?' No, but he is rather good in midfield.
Right-Sided Forward: Kyle Walker (Tottenham Hotspur)
We could have take our pick here of English right-backs who are much, much better going forwards than backwards doing actual defending. After his horror show against Manchester United on Sunday, it's becoming increasingly difficult to argue that Walker is cut from different cloth to Glen Johnson. It should surprise nobody to learn that he started out as a striker - "I was converted to a defender in my second year of scholarship" - and indeed was played on the right wing for first club Sheffield United before settling at right-back. We're moving him back in our imaginary world.
Left-Sided Forward: Luis Suarez (Liverpool)
If you're taking 15 shots to score a goal, we would politely suggest that you're not a striker. Where Luis Suarez excels is with the ball at his feet in tight spaces. Where he doesn't excel is in the small matter of hitting the target. We suspect that the original idea at Liverpool was to play Suarez buzzing around the big goal machine that is Andy Carroll. That plan was scuppered by the rubbishness of Carroll and instead Suarez became the talented but utterly unprolific focal point for a blunt attack.
In The Hole: Alex Song (Arsenal)
There's no way that defensive midfielder Alex Song should have more Premier League assists than Aaron Ramsey this season. And there's absolutely no way that Song should be pulling off more through balls than anybody else in the Premier League - including specialists in the art like David Silva, Luka Modric and Charlie Adam. But Song is quite clearly a frustrated attacking midfielder trapped in the body of a defensive midfielder and occasional centre-half. If Yaya Toure can be converted into an attacking force, then why not Alex Song? We guarantee he would love it.
Striker: Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Most goals by centre-halves are towering headers or a ball smashed home in a set-piece melee but the three goals for which Cahill is noted are an overhead kick for Aston Villa against Birmingham, a 25-yard screamer for Bolton earlier this season and the neat control and finish for England last month. Cahill can sometimes hesitate in his own area but he has always shown composure and an eye for goal at the other end of the pitch. Perhaps him and Fernando Torres could do a job swap...
Apparently there's a photograph that takes pride of place in Phil Jagielka's home of the England and Everton centre-half in action against Arsenal. What's unusual is that Jagielka is wearing goalkeeping gloves and the photograph in question depicts him diving to save from Robin van Persie. It was by far the most famous of four occasions on which Jagielka replaced Paddy Kenny in goal for Sheffield United. Oddly enough, he doesn't display a photograph of himself between the sticks when they lost 3-0 to Plymouth but Jagielka says: "The picture of my save from Van Persie does make me chuckle."
Right-Back: David Luiz (Chelsea)
The statistics show that David Luiz attempts 1.2 dribbles per Premier League game. But when we tell you that's more than Daniel Sturridge, Juan Mata, Fernando Torres, Florent Malouda and every other Chelsea player barring Ramires, you should raise your eyebrows and say 'that's unusual for a centre-half'. Unusual? It's bats**t mental. Luiz doesn't look like a centre-half, doesn't play like a centre-half and is utterly lacking the 'safety first' instinct usually found in a centre-half. Whoever replaces AVB needs to take Luiz by his wonderful hair and drag him into a position where his dribbling will not end in heart palpitations.
Centre-Half: Jose Reina (Liverpool)
There's a Youtube clip out there (here, in fact) of Jose Reina playing in midfield in a pre-season friendly against Kaiserslautern and getting much closer to scoring a goal than Stewart Downing. We won't push him that far away from his comfort zone for the purposes of this utterly pointless experiment, but he has all the attributes (height, presence, excellent distribution) to make a ball-playing centre-half. And the ideal partner for...
Centre-Half: Andy Carroll (Liverpool)
There was a moment during a recent Liverpool game when we were very impressed indeed with Andy Carroll. Unfortunately for the £35m striker, it was when he won two defensive headers in quick succession, clearing the ball way out of the penalty area. He's rather good at heading the ball - upwards and with distance. This is not so handy when you are trying to score or to retain possession, but for a centre-half it's an excellent quality. We miss the days of strikers filling in at centre-half - Dion Dublin, Chris Sutton - and think Kenny Dalglish should pander to our nostalgia by pairing Carroll with Martin Skrtel for truly scary times.
Left-Back: Stewart Downing (Liverpool)
50 shots without a goal, 43 chances created without an assist - it's clearly time for a change of tack from Downing as this 'winger' business simply isn't working out. Steve McClaren describes his deployment of Downing as a left-back during Middlesbrough's UEFA Cup run as his 'lightbulb moment of the whole campaign', and who are we to argue with a tactical genius? Downing is disciplined, a neat tackler and would be effective on the overlap a la Leighton Baines. And most importantly, the 'shooting wildly over' part of his game would be reduced to a minimum. Lightbulb, indeed.
Central Midfield: Vincent Kompany (Manchester City)
"My favourite position is in midfield but I can deliver just as good a job from central defence," said Vincent Kompany just before he became probably the best centre-half in the Premier League. The clue that he was bought principally as a midfielder lies in the '4' on his back but it's safe to say that Kompany will never be pushed into midfield again. Except by us, because we recognise his neat passing ability, his appetite for a tackle and his delight in occasional forward bursts made possible by other erstwhile centre-halves (Yaya Toure and Gareth Barry) playing in front of him. We could have put Ledley King in this position but his knees would never survive.
Central Midfield: Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
"I feel I'm a good enough footballer to play anywhere on the park. That's not being big-headed. I feel I am capable of doing that. If the manager wants me to play there, I have no problem in doing that," said Wayne Rooney during a three-game spell in central midfield earlier this season that illustrated a lack of midfield quality further demonstrated when Paul Scholes was recalled from retirement. We have long lost track of the number of e-mails from United fans - all of whom think they have stumbled upon a ground-breaking idea - entitled 'Is Wayne Rooney the new Paul Scholes?' No, but he is rather good in midfield.
Right-Sided Forward: Kyle Walker (Tottenham Hotspur)
We could have take our pick here of English right-backs who are much, much better going forwards than backwards doing actual defending. After his horror show against Manchester United on Sunday, it's becoming increasingly difficult to argue that Walker is cut from different cloth to Glen Johnson. It should surprise nobody to learn that he started out as a striker - "I was converted to a defender in my second year of scholarship" - and indeed was played on the right wing for first club Sheffield United before settling at right-back. We're moving him back in our imaginary world.
Left-Sided Forward: Luis Suarez (Liverpool)
If you're taking 15 shots to score a goal, we would politely suggest that you're not a striker. Where Luis Suarez excels is with the ball at his feet in tight spaces. Where he doesn't excel is in the small matter of hitting the target. We suspect that the original idea at Liverpool was to play Suarez buzzing around the big goal machine that is Andy Carroll. That plan was scuppered by the rubbishness of Carroll and instead Suarez became the talented but utterly unprolific focal point for a blunt attack.
In The Hole: Alex Song (Arsenal)
There's no way that defensive midfielder Alex Song should have more Premier League assists than Aaron Ramsey this season. And there's absolutely no way that Song should be pulling off more through balls than anybody else in the Premier League - including specialists in the art like David Silva, Luka Modric and Charlie Adam. But Song is quite clearly a frustrated attacking midfielder trapped in the body of a defensive midfielder and occasional centre-half. If Yaya Toure can be converted into an attacking force, then why not Alex Song? We guarantee he would love it.
Striker: Gary Cahill (Chelsea)
Most goals by centre-halves are towering headers or a ball smashed home in a set-piece melee but the three goals for which Cahill is noted are an overhead kick for Aston Villa against Birmingham, a 25-yard screamer for Bolton earlier this season and the neat control and finish for England last month. Cahill can sometimes hesitate in his own area but he has always shown composure and an eye for goal at the other end of the pitch. Perhaps him and Fernando Torres could do a job swap...
