Let's All Laugh At... Let's all laugh at Chelsea thread

[TorontoYid]

A woman bumps into Chelsea football team at a nightclub.
She goes up to John Terry and asks him to sign her left breast. She lifts up her top and he signs.
She then asks Mata to sign the right breast. She lifts up her top and he signs it.
She then goes up and asks Mourinho to sign her front bottom. Jose says, "Okay," and she pulls down her knickers at which point he says, "Actually, on second thoughts, I think I'll pass. The last time I signed a c**t it cost me £30 million."

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It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.


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I'm so excited.
Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas!

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The Chelsea board.
The Metropolitan Police.
A lady with an itchy crotch.

They all regret going for that Brazilian.

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Jose Mourinho- "I'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies."
Stephen Hawking- "I'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."

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Chelsea fans call it the "second coming" of Jose Mourinho.
Not to be outdone, Manchester City are trying to sign Jesus himself.

 

[only1waddle]

I know they'll probably get it right in the end...but oh boy, was last night brilliant stuff!

In a way I understand why Mourinho is struggling because Chelsea have been buying up players for a system and style completely alien to what he wants. It's like trying to make a roast dinner with the ingredients for a trifle.

I said the same thing this morning to the Chav fan at work, Jose has a group of attacking players that Roman wanted Guardiola to coach.

 

[TorontoYid]

He has the same brief that AVB had there. To turn Chelsea into a fast playing attacking team. Difference is that Jose will have the full 5 years to do it instead of the 1/2 season AVB was given.

 

[Kingstheman]

He has the same brief that AVB had there. To turn Chelsea into a fast playing attacking team. Difference is that Jose will have the full 5 years to do it instead of the 1/2 season AVB was given.

Jose can't do fast or attacking.

 

[Reece]

Jose can't do fast or attacking.

And he most certainly won't get 5 years!

 

[Jules77]

How much would you pay to see Lamela nutmeg Willian

I would like to see Kaboul run into him,
as he stands back up i'd like to see Sandro follow suit,
and then Capoue.

 

[Misfit]

Jose Mourinho- "I'll walk if Chelsea don't win trophies."
Stephen Hawking- "I'll walk if Arsenal win trophies."

Snot bubbles.

 

[only1waddle]

So went on The Shed End, seems they are confused with the new "possession football" they have started to play, lots of but.. but... but.... Jose is a counter attacking manager...
After plenty of posts where they have blamed a mix of youth, David Luiz, Lampard getting older, having 3 shit strikers etc.
some bright spark with a average braincell count not in minus figures like the rest of those apes comes out with this..

This is what worries me most - I fear the worst if we continue in this vein and worry about possible/perceived (whatever)edicts from above to play like [spit] Barcelona.

Have they only just fucking realised Roman is obsessed.. one of them also likened the change of style troubles to the one AVB had, but you know, it's Jose so we should give him a chance. Turds the lot of them..

 

[Legacy]

I would like to see Kaboul run into him,
as he stands back up i'd like to see Sandro follow suit,
and then Capoue.

And then the team bus.

 

[Blackcanary]

From the Mirror:

• Chelsea's Mourinho warns Juan Mata he must change his game to get back in the team​

20 Sep 2013 22:30
"I want Oscar as my No.10, I want the other players to adapt to that reality and learn do things they weren't ready to do before"

​

​

Juan Mata has been brought face to face with his Chelsea future - and discovered it will not be bright.
Blues fans have been calling for the Spaniard - voted the Londoners' Player of the Year for the past two seasons - to have more game-time after watching him last less than an hour of the only two games he's started under Jose Mourinho.
But, in a stark and explicit statement of intent, Mourinho made it clear Mata has lost the status he previously enjoyed and will have to find a new role if he is to get into his starting XI.
The Special One said: “First of all, there are things that I cannot speak of with you but I can with the players - deeply, deeply, the way I’m reading the situation and the reasons why, in this moment, he’s not playing so much, are things I can speak about with him but not you. But he played against Everton from the start and you can analyse his performance.
“And he played against Basel, not like Ba or Mikel coming in to rescue the game, but he came on when the team was winning 1-0 and had specific tasks to do.
“It is part of a process with him, too. One thing is to play with Ramires and Oscar in the side, them closing each flank, and Mata as a No10 behind a striker - clever assists and clever passes, fantastic actions because he has great talent.


“But it is another thing to adapt to the way we want to play.
“In this moment, Oscar is my No10 and, if somebody tells me that Oscar is not Chelsea’s best player since the beginning of the season, I’d have to disagree.”
It means Mata, whose World Cup place for Spain will be under severe threat if he does not play regular football, being back on the bench against Fulham in Saturday's tea-time game.
Mourinho added: “It is up to him to dislodge Oscar, just as I have to prove to the fans that I am good.
“They can play together, yes, but when Mata adapts to it.
“But I’m not ready to play Oscar, making him follow full-backs, because he plays in that role for the country with more talented players than anyone else in the world in that position.
“So I want to build with Oscar as my No 10. I want the other two players, from the side, to adapt to that reality and learn how to do things they were not ready to do before.”

So, finally confirmation from the horse's mouth that he doesn't rate Mata and doesn't see him as a starter. I wonder who the Chelsea fans love more: Mourinho or Mata? Either way, I can't see it as being a popular move. Oscar isn't ready to play as a number 10 for them. It's lunacy.

 

[OmarsComing]

It's not that he doesn't rate Mata, it's he has a system and Oscar is more suited to the system.

 

[Blackcanary]

It's not that he doesn't rate Mata, it's he has a system and Oscar is more suited to the system.

But Mourinho doesn't have the players to match his system. HE has to adapt, not them.

 

[OmarsComing]

But Mourinho doesn't have the players to match his system. HE has to adapt, not them.

Err, no he doesn't because he is the manager.

 

[Blackcanary]

Err, no he doesn't because he is the manager.

Yes, and good managers adapt to the resources at their disposal. This is exactly what AVB was criticised for at Chelsea - trying to rigidly implement his philosophy and not adapt to the existing squad.

Mourinho has approximately 42 million titchy playmakers at this point and is trying to turn them into all-action midfielders because Chelsea failed to buy adequate central midfield cover and have a yawning chasm and no cohesion between attack and defence.

 

[Mouse!]

Jose Mourinho is fucked in the head.

Mata was one of the top 3 players in the League last season. You just don't drop a player that good unless he's being inconsistent on the pitch.

To me the whole thing smacks of Jose wanting to make an impression. He's dropping Mata to show people he's a Billy Big Bollocks. He wants to cause controversy and get noticed.

 

[CornerPinDreamer]

same as dropping Iker Casillas at real..

 

[King of Otters]

Heh. Have a feeling we might see that rather soon. Lamela was the uber-signing this summer. Maybe not the most important in terms of the team functioning but fuck me, when we, and I was at the front throwing around this masturbatory fantasy with the best of them, mentioned Lamela a few months back I never really thought we'd actually be able to sign him.

Proper FM/FIFA summer window this was.

Almost. If it was a real FM transfer window, rather than sell Bale, I would have funded our £100 million splurge by creating a new manager at Madrid and signing Simon Dawkins for a world record fee.

 

[OmarsComing]

same as dropping Iker Casillas at real..

Most overrated keeper of all time?

But Mourinho doesn't have the players to match his system. HE has to adapt, not them.

Like how AVB should have changed his philosophy to accommodate VDV?

It doesn't work, the manager is and should always be #1 the players are the ones who have to adjust, or they find themselves on the bench.

 

[RuskyM]

The manager is #1 but Mourinho clearly interprets this in strange ways, of course you should have players playing for you (which is why he was such a success at Inter & Porto, the players loved him) but when you're going to have massive problems with a lot of egos and an power crazed madman above you (as he has now and at Real) then you're going to have to have a change of tact. You shouldn't, I agree, but you do. Mourinho has never been able to manage this, he almost seems insulted that people dare question him from either above or below and seems to make decisions not for the benefit of the team or even himself but just to make himself seem important, to somehow restore normality. There's a reason about 3 people at Madrid still like him.

Mourinho returning will end in tears. I say that for a few reasons - he left Chelsea for a reason and if Ancelotti, AVB & Di Matteo is anything to go by, the circumstances haven't changed much, unless Roman's given up a bit of power by begging to have him back. He's also come back for a reason - his ego is massively burnt by being not able to control the Madrid dressing room (Not entirely his fault) and whilst Jose is one of the best managers there's ever been, returning to a club never works. He'll either try to implement his old methods and that'll fail because Chelsea have changed since then or he'll try and adapt which will take time, time we know Chelsea don't give.

Plus his football (whilst successful) is fucking boring.

I still don't get why they sacked Ancelotti tbh.

 

[yawa]

Most overrated keeper of all time?



Like how AVB should have changed his philosophy to accommodate VDV?

It doesn't work, the manager is and should always be #1 the players are the ones who have to adjust, or they find themselves on the bench.

I agree. Problem is when a mental chairman buys players for one style of football and gets a coach who plays in a different style.

I'm pretty sure they thought they were a shoe in to get Guardiola and he then flipped them the bird.