The Daily ITK Discussion Thread - 12th June 2017

Discussion in 'The January 2017 Transfer Rumour archive' started by Archibald&Crooks, Jun 12, 2017.

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  1. Archibald&Crooks

    Archibald&Crooks Aegina Expat Admin

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    Good morning

    Time for a thread refresh. I thought we'd revisit the SC archives once again so here's the thread first posted in August 2011. Jeeez have we been doing this that long? Anyway, I guess for some of you who weren't around at the time this might contain references that you don't get. Tough :D

    Oh and before we start......

    Last night I got a text from my wife that said "I just beat my highest on Angry Birds! PS you're boring in bed."

    As I was giving her one :(

    Reservoir Flogs

    The Date:
    2nd September 2011 The transfer window has not long closed and the fans aren't happy. Spurs beat the deadline by 22 seconds to secure the signature of former Real Madrid striker Hugo Sanchez, now aged 53.

    The Scene:
    The Boardroom at White Hart Lane. Shouting and chanting can be heard from outside as police and stewards battle to contain an unruly mob from breaking down the gates to the ground.

    And so we begin.............
    Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy strides briskly into the boardroom and sits down at the head of the table.

    "For fucks sake!" he shouts as he disappears below the level of the table. A secretary rushes to his side and places two large books and a cushion under the Chairmans arse so that he is seated at the same height as everyone else.

    "Right.............I've gathered you all here today to find a scapeg....erm to find out who is to blame for all of this"

    His snake-like eyes flickered around the boardroom. Matthew Collecott was eating a McDonalds Happy Meal and playing with the Papa Smurf figure that came with the meal. Sir Keith Mills was idly picking his nose, he withdrew his finger, examined what he'd dug out with idle curiousity and flicked it across the table at Donna Cullen who was absent mindedly leafing through an Ann Summers catalogue. To his left, Kevan Watts was sat playing Fruit Ninja on his iPhone and Harry Redknapp was doodling on a pad of paper, Kevin Bond was sitting staring at the ceiling, whistling.

    Suddenly the huge plasma TV on the wall flickered into life as the satellite link with the Bahamas kicked in and Joe Lewis appeared on the screen sat in a chair stroking a cat with more than a little of the menace of Ernst Stavro Blofeld about him.

    "So" he began."Have we decided yet?"

    "No Uncle Joe, we're just about to start" replied a smug looking Daniel Levy. And he had every right to be smug. He'd just finished a report in which he'd investigated the clubs canteen finances during which a switch he'd instigated from PG Tips teabags to Tesco Value ones had saved the club £14.33p per month. The new stadium wasn't going to pay for itself was it?

    "Get back to me when it's done Danny" said Lewistapping the side of his nose and then the screen went blank.

    The sound of the crowd was drifting into the boardroom and the chant 'we
    want Levy out say we want Levy out' was getting louder and louder as more and more fans arrived to protest.

    "I think you dropped a massive bollock this time Danny" said Redknapp, "the boy Sanchez was a top top player but that was in the 80's when he was 25, they ain't 'aving it this time"

    He went on......

    "164 goals in 207 games for Real Madrid is a triffic record but he's in his 50's now, what the fuck did you think you were doing?"

    Donna Cullen looked up from her catalogue and asked "Do you think it inappropriate if I bought a Red teddy?" Levy rolled his eyes and replied to Harry "Look, it's about saving money. He's got a great record and comes cheap. He assures me he's fit and its the best I could do given the time we had"

    Redknapp laughed. "You had three bloody months, not to mention last January and not to mention the summer before that. In a whole year the best you can come up with is Hugo fackin Sanchez?"

    "No wonder they want your head" He laughed, pointing out the window toward the fans. "You done it this time Danny, you and your last minute games, you've well and truly done it now"

    Levy smiled."Well they aren't getting my head are they. Now lets cut to the chase. Who are we going to blame? Who do we have who can take one for the team?"

    Keith Mills looked up and said "What we need is a DoF" then resumed excavating the contents of his nose. "Not all the time I got a hole in my arse" said Redknapp.

    Suddenly the noise of the crowd got appreciably louder. A secretary with extraordinarily large tits burts into the room and said that the crowd had broken through the gates are were now trying to break through the very doors of the office complex.

    "right.....that's me out" said Redknapp, "Here's my resignation, i'm off to manage England" Before he could get out of his chair a crowd burst into the boardroom. The occupants backed away into one corner as the room rapidly filled up with what appeared to be almost exclusively spotty nerdy looking teenagers.

    Redknapp pushed Levy to the front of the group who were by now huddled at the end of the desk by the windows. "Who are you and what do you want?" said Levy.

    "You've made us look like a proper bunch of bullshitters Levy and we've had enough" growled a guy who looked like a cross between the Milky Bar Kid and Joe 90.

    "I can explain everything, signing Hugo Sanchez wasn't my idea" replied Levy, who by know was sweating his bald tits off.

    "Sanchez Schmanchez, that isn't what we're here for......grab him boys!"

    Several of the crowd lurched forward, grabbed Levy and tied him to a chair.

    "What's going on? What are you lot playing at?" Asked Donna Cullen "You can shut it treacle, keep your gob shut and you might get out of here in one piece" He went on........."My name is BEN and i've got every Spurs ITK here with me. For far too long now you've made us look bad and now you're gonna learn your lesson"

    Daniel Levy squirmed and struggled against the rope, if only he hadn't spread so many falsehoods, led so many people up blind alleys and went to such great lengths to hide Spurs real transfer targets."I promise to go back to how it was" he said, panic starting to set in.

    "All the names we gave out, all the clues, everything was for nothing and you ruined us Levy. You couldn't flog any of the shite we had on the books and now we're looking like right proper shysters. Well now it's time to meet a couple of friends of mine"

    BEN took out his iPod and selected a track. He looked at Levy and smiled as he pressed play.

    The song Stuck in the Middle With You by Stealers Wheel broke into the otherwise electric silence, the assembled ITK's parted as two men dressed in black suits, white shirt, black tie and sunglasses walked in each holding a cut-throat razor........

    Mr Levy, meet my friends..........Mr Blue and Mr Yellow.

    Mr Blue and Mr Yellow stopped in the centre of the room and danced around Levy, whose eyes were wider than Danielle Lloyds legs at a Spurs end of season party. Every few seconds one of them slashed at him with their razor, missing him by inches. You could cut the tension with a knife as the song played out and Mr Blue and Mr Yellow continued their macabre dance.

    "I hope you lot are watching this" BEN asked the assembled board members.

    "Watch and learn what happens when you mess with ITK....and you Harry, enough with the fucking interviews OK?"

    Harry nodded furiously. He was twitching so much that his face looked like his eyeballs were plugged directly into the mains power supply. The big titted secretary stared on in erotic fascination. She reached into her pocket for her compact roger rabbit and silenty slipped into the executive slash house.

    Suddenly a window broke and a canister rolled into the middle of the room and exploded, giving out a searing flash of light which blinded everyone in the room. The lights went out as the doors to the boardroom were blown off and several SAS Troopers rushed in. Shots were fired and confusion reigned as the room became a hellhouse of shouting, screaming and shadowy figures flitting across the room.

    What seemed like hours later but was in reality only a few minutes, the smoke cleared and all of the ITK's were lying on the floor, dead. One of the SAS men untied Levy and asked if he was OK.

    "Yes, yes I am thank you, but you cut it fine didn't you?" The SAS man winked at Levy "Knowing how much you like to do things at the last minute we thought you'd appreciate the irony"

    "Whaddya mean they cut it fine?" asked Kevin Bond. "You mean to say you knew this was going to happen?, you actually planned this whole thing?"

    The big titted secretary emerged from the bog, looking rather flush in the face and weak at the knees. "Have I missed anything?" She asked, looking furtively about her to see if anyone had guessed what she'd been up to.

    Levy smiled. "How else was I going to finally rid us of this ITK stuff that has been undermining what we're doing for so many years? Now we're free of it, we can get on with our business without the need for so much secrecy, for today, for the first time in many years, ITK is dead!"

    Everyone stood and applauded Levy. They even gave out three cheers and sang 'for he's a jolly good fellow'

    Everyone except one man. One man, whose head was covered with a black floppy hat. The shadowy figure wrapped a black cape around him, covering everything but his eyes which glinted at Levy as he whispered to himself

    "That's what you think Danny boy" He turned, his cape flowing around him as he did so.

    And like a Phantom, he was gone................
     
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  2. pistolP

    pistolP Well-Known Member

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    Good morning, Spurscommunity, I hope, we will see our first signing of the season this week.
     
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  3. Amnesiac503

    Amnesiac503 Member

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    When does the Nike deal go into effect? Probably want any signing holding up that new kit.
     
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  4. aussiespursguy

    aussiespursguy Active Member

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    Pure genius A&C.
     
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  5. smudger

    smudger Well-Known Member

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    Epic Monday morning reading mr a&c

    Morning all. Let's hope if not a new signing at least a new kit this week
     
  6. DaiT

    DaiT Active Member

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    I love those repeats. Blue and Yellow and POTL - those were the days ..........
     
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  7. shelfboy68

    shelfboy68 Well-Known Member

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    Are we close on signing anyone yet I think a few weeks to go yet before we see someone.
     
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  8. Kiedis

    Kiedis Well-Known Member

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    I liked POTL. Too bad he hung himself after the Willian debacle.
     
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  9. BPR_U16

    BPR_U16 Well-Known Member

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    Yes i miss POTL - was always the best for me in times when i formation was more freely available
     
  10. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

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    To be fair POTL was spot on with the Willian information - I expect no one foresaw the last minute volte face
     
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  11. yido_number1

    yido_number1 Spurs supporter, unlike some.

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    Do miss a bit of POTL. On the other hand we have JJ (and the others) giving us better ITK now than POTL did. The cryptics were a good bit of fun though, I doubt many forum visitors couldnt roll out blue and yellow.
     
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  12. knowlespurs

    knowlespurs Active Member

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    i would imagine that it would make no difference to any potential signing
     
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  13. knowlespurs

    knowlespurs Active Member

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    The POTL was amusing, i was on COYS at the time and he was having a go at anyone who was doubting the Willian deal done, then the Willian deal to Chelsea was announced and he never logged on to Coys again
     
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  14. Kiedis

    Kiedis Well-Known Member

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    Didn't POTL generally spend his twilight transfer windows confirming transfer the night before the club confirmed it? Which made for high reliability, but not as "impressive" as the one ITK (can't remember who it was) that weeks before any newspaper links just rolled out something along the lines "A name to watch in coming weeks; Toby Alderweireld".

    (disclaimer; more than ready to bend over if this constitutes ITK bashing).
     
  15. yido_number1

    yido_number1 Spurs supporter, unlike some.

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    I remember it well and to be fair it was most of the way there even by Maureens standards. Until the paper work is signed your at the mercy of someones decision and signing the paper work. JJ is by far the best ITK and people still try and bash him by the Toby comments. What they aren't accounting for is that Southampton had the option to sign him thus making it nigh on impossible for us. That seemingly was missed by error from Southampton and thus he became available. It's impossible for the ITK's to give the full facts for obvious reasons but I think people would be able to understand the information better if they knew the full picture.
     
  16. knowlespurs

    knowlespurs Active Member

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    Mate he was very very good, i think most people understood the Willian thing but he never posted again
     
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  17. yido_number1

    yido_number1 Spurs supporter, unlike some.

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    People forget it wasn't just transfers he informed on. I can remember loads of posts about team selections and player fitness. He was clearly very well linked to the club and had good info. He was massively arrogant about his links and I think thats why people like JJ. JJ has top table info but is never a dick about it.

    Edit: I should add all our other ITK's are good guys. Trix is always around to discuss and similarly Grey Fox seems a decent chap.
     
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  18. TheChosenOne

    TheChosenOne The only way is up

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    I read that intro in grainy monchrome. Another lifetime ago.
     
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  19. Vinny_Sammways_left_peg

    Vinny_Sammways_left_peg Active Member

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    "The Shadow knows! ..... "

    Here is to some good early news this week, signing at the end of it, fingers crossed.

    Yes I know, I know the hope kills and all that!
     
  20. Flynn

    Flynn SC Supporter

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    POTL may have thought his sharing the Willian deal is what compromised it more so than any abuse received.
     
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