- Feb 1, 2005
Last night I went out for a drink with the wild boys from the mingleticklers and fourflushers club, I got a bit rat arsed and when I eventually got home, I ever so slowly eased open the front door, terrified of waking Mrs A&C. I tip-toed up the stairs.
Unfortunately, I slipped on the first step and landed hard on my arse, smashing the empty bottle of Jack Daniels I had stuffed into my back pocket. Undeterred, I staggered up the stairs, goes into the bathroom and turned the light on. 'Urgh - fuck' I muttered to myself, pulled my trousers down, angled the mirror so I can see my badly bleeding arse and slowly picked out the broken shards of glass and started sticking on some plasters.
The next morning I was woken by a bucket of cold water thrown over me by a very pissed off Mrs A&C
'You went out on the piss last night, didn't you, after you promised not to, you pathetic bastard' she shouted
I never got drunk, why would you think that?' I shouted back
'Oh, I don't know, maybe it's the fact that the front door was left open, or the broken bottle of Jack Daniels in the hallway, or perhaps the trail of blood on the stairs...,' she shouted sarcastically.
'...but it's mainly the fact that the bathroom mirror is covered in fucking plasters.'
Today we go back to May 2013 in the SC archives, a day when we brought you a snippet from Daniel Levy's childhood.
Anyone remember the kiddies programme, Playschool? Because today we're going back in time. We're going back to 1972, to a detached house, somewhere in Essex.........
Little Danny Levy (ironically, he'd be known as this for all his life) had just turned 10 and as a treat his parents had allowed him to take a break from studying the atomic dynamics of protracted negotiations to watch the television for a couple of hours.
He clapped excitedly as the BBC TV announcer said 'Hello kiddies......now it's Playschool'......The programme began with it's usual mantra "A house, with a door, 1 2 3 4, ready to play, what's the day? It's..."
"Deadline Day!" shouted Litte Danny, clapping. 'How many more times must I tell you Daniel?' said his mother, who we'll call Ma Levy....... 'It's Playschool........Your supposed to shout Playschool, enough with the silly piffle about Deadline Day, whatever that is'
'Sorry mummykins' said Little Danny. 'I'll try to remember' without taking his eyes off the screen. The presenter was just coming to the end of a short story about Little Ted and Jemima doing something he didn't understand but he was sure Little Ted's fingers would really be rather smelly. Next up was the story.........
'Ok children......which window will we go through today' said the presenter.......Will it be the round window? Or maybe the square window? How about the arched window?'
"The Transfer Window!" shouted Little Danny. This annoyed Ma Levy. "Daniel, that's enough, turn that television off, that wasn't even one of the choices........what on earth is deadline day?'
"I don't know mummy" said Little Danny Levy. "Something made me say it, I don't know why"
"Well stop being so silly. Now then, go back to your room, you won't learn about the quantum mechanics of brinkmanship sitting here in front of the television, none of this window business well ever be of use to you'
Litte Danny turned off the TV and walked up the stairs. As he did so he turned to his mother, who was sat with her back to him, darning a sock. His eyes went a strange bright red colour and an evil look came across his face.
"We'll see mummy, we'll see..........."
In other news, John Terry is going to his daughters sports day this week. He's wearing his PE kit in case she wins.