- Feb 1, 2005
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A hat-trick of ITK to bring you from yesterday, which isn't all that bad considering we're nowhere near in full swing yet. This isn't even the lull before the storm........
It's the lull before the lull before the lull before the storm.
I had sex with the wife last night and the whole time she kept saying things like, "Is it in yet?" "I'm not even close" or "This is pretty shit."
I made her moan all night. Oh yeah. :dance:
Righty-o lets crack on.......we'll start, as tradition dictates, at the beginning with some ITK from opensaysme
Love the multi-snippet ITKopensaysme said:
Then Mystery weighed in with some stuff on Robbie Keane
There was a time when all we wanted was a team of Robbie Keane's now most of you fickle fucks are singing 'All we want is to see the back of Robbie Keane'Mystery said:
Our final piece of ITK came from archibald
A few nice snippets there, whored for us by Scutch.archibald said:
OK, here's part 2 of my report about my day out at ITK Headquarters
If you missed Part 1 click here
Part 2: Cryptics
I'd been hoping we'd cover the subject of cryptics and I eagerly nodded in anticipation.
The Oracle stared at me intently. "Red Red Wiiiiine" he said......'stay close to me?' I replied as we continued following the blue line before stopping at a door with a combination lock.
Several beeps later and the door swung open to reveal a dimly lit room, The Oracle held a finger up to his lips in a shhhh motion as we silently walked in, the only sound was that of The Oracle's heavier club foot hitting the ground, reminding me of a three legged horse trying to have a gallop.
"Meet our chief cryptologist.....we call her Dedeco"
Inside, sat at a table, I could make out an elegant female figure, The Oracle's eyes were fixed on her, he wrung his hands together and wiped some saliva from his fat lips, he was obviously mentally dogbolting her......
The shadowy figure of the female gestured and said, in a voice with more than a hint of Marlene Deitrich to it, "take a seat, make yourself comfortable", I sat down and watched as she lit a cigarette and slowly turned over a Tarot card to reveal a ladder being carried by a masked figure with the body of a Goat
"So you want to know about ITK" she asked huskily as she drew deeply on her cigarette, so deeply that I almost looked under the table to see if smoke was coming out of her snatch.
"Can I ask a question", I ventured......
"Of course"
"cryptics.......why?"
She smiled "It drives you crazy huh?.........Cryptics come into play when one of our ITK's sources stop short at actually giving a name. The ITK has to tell the masses something and doesn't want to look as if secrets are being kept from them, they lose face.......So they get in touch and ask for a cryptic"
"Which you then give them?"
"Most of the time, yes"
"Most of the time?"
"Well, there was the 'Steve' incident....some poor fool thought he could make up his own, any clot with the intelligence of plankton could solve that one"
I laughed, remembering the incident very well.
I hesitated to ask the next question but in for a penny and all that so I took a deep breath and asked it......"You do know that these cryptics can be twisted almost any which way don't you?"
She immediately tensed up, her eyes turned to slits as she viciously stubbed out her cigarette......Suddenly she relaxed and smiled, then threw her head back and laughed......
"That's the beauty of them........the masses spend all that time trying to make sense of clues that for the most part can never be solved"
I'd long suspected it, but still wondered what she was holding back from me........."So can you give me a cryptic about who Spurs are going to sign this summer?"
Her eyelashes fluttered and her eyes rolled to the back of her head as her whole body tensed and relaxed and then tensed again........Her voice deepened and sounded almost exactly like Darth Vader when she spoke......
"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums" She said before finally her body relaxed and she gasped for air. "What's that mean then?" I asked...."It isn't for me to say.......You must solve it for yourself. Seek the answer from within........
"Were you ever an ITK?" I asked as I struggled to make sense of what i'd just heard
"No, but I was married to one" she sighed as she shook her head sadly....."I haven't seen him for years"
"why is that?"
"He ignored Rule No1 during the period of the Great Torres speculation" I immediately knew the identity of her former husband......"He's the guy who said 'done deal' isn't he?"
She nodded...."Nobody has heard from him since"......I heard the door open and saw The Oracle, standing talking to a minion who was holding a clipboard
"What's his story?" I whispered
"You wouldn't be able to handle. the truth about The Oracle" she said......"He's an amazing man, a dangerous man and....." She hesitated.
"And?" I asked, my curiosity aroused.......
She glanced across at The Oracle and leaned across the table to whisper in my ear "He's a ruthless man....don't cross him"
"Right then A&C said The Oracle, breaking into my thoughts as I wondered what the incredible truth about him could possibly be, has Dedeco been looking after you?" He glanced at my groin area, no doubt checking my trousers for any telltale spunk stains.
"Yes, thank you" I replied, "Just one more question, if I may?"
"Hurry up, hurry up" said The Oracle, glancing at his watch
"Given that you resort to cryptics, do you feel there's a case to say that it undermines all ITK?
Dedeco immediately glanced up at The Oracle, who had gone pale, his eyes wide open and a nervous tic that I hadn't noticed before was fluttering his right eye twenty to the dozen.
Then he laughed. Such a high pitched laugh that only the cats and dogs within a two mile radius heard it.
"You obviously aren't a student of human nature A&C, there's nothing that will ever quench the insatiable appetite for ITK.........Come, time is short and there's much to see"
"Where we going now?" I asked as I waved goodbye to Dedeco who had resumed playing with her Tarot cards.
"To the Treehouse" He smiled as he casually flicked a bogey at a passing minion.
Dedeco heard our destination and smiled as she slowly returned the card she'd drawn when I arrived back into the pack as we left the room. Her cryptic was bouncing around and around in my head as we walked........
"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums"......I had that feeling you get when you know you're not far from the answer but it remains elusive............"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums".....
Coming soon, part 3: The Treehouse
And if, after all of that, we don't get some donations today i'm going to ban all of your mums. In the face.
Click the link then.
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