- Feb 1, 2005
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- #1
So there I was, in our local park. Well, in the bushes of our local park to be precise. Waiting for erm, well, wildlife to appear, yeahs why I was there. Anyway……You'll never believe this, but I spotted a rare specimin of butterfly (nineteenus blonde bigtittus) and as I slowly crept backwards I bumped into someone else. Frightened me soft it did. "I'm only here checking out wildli….…." I shouted as a turned only to be met with the site of this exceedingly short fellow, dressed from head to toe as Conan the Barbarian.
Eyes gleaming, he removed his helmet "Fuckoff you sick ****, this is my patch" he exclaimed in this high pitched Joe Pasquale-like voice. I looked him up and down (which didn't take long) "What the fuck are you dressed up like that for?" I asked. Suddenly his mood changed and he was all smiles "I'm here as part of the historic battles re-enactors club, we're re-enacting the battle of Thermopylae, i'm dressed as King Leonidas….what are you doing here?"
"Erm"….My mind raced. "You're lying, you're Conan the fucking Barbarian…..fucking re-enactors, that's just madness" He looked up at me "This isn't madness, this is Spartaaaaaaaa" and with that he kicked me in the bollocks and was gone, great handfuls of wet wipes falling from his pockets as he ran.
Well, needless to say, I went down like a sack of shit and by the time i'd recovered there was no sign of Conan. So I did my flies up, which had somehow become undone during all the fuss
and went to sit on a bench to recover fully. A few minutes later I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Psssst!" I looked around and it was Conan, only dressed in a smart suit with two burly minders in tow. I knew straight away who he really was. Daniel Levy. Fuckabaaaaat, that Conan get up really had me fooled."Psssst!" he said. "I know who you are" he said. "Well that makes us even Danny" I said. "What were you doing in there?" I asked.
"Don't be a ****" He replied. "I was doing exactly the same as you, searching for ITK"
Even I had to laugh at that one. "What? Dressed as Conan?….who's going to give ITK to some dwarf dressed as fucking Conan?"
"King Leonidas" shreiked Levy.
"Conan" I replied
"Look A&C, lets stop fucking around. I want all your files on all your ITK's and I want them now, otherwise i'm bubbling you up for lurking in the bushes and wanking"
"Yeah like that's a crime…..You'll get fuck all from me" I said, "Molon Labe, Danny boy"
He pulled an iPad out of his pushchair, which in his hands looked like a 42inch TV. A few taps later he handed it to me. I took one look and went pale. "Yes, tell me everything you know or this becomes public"
"You wouldn't"
"I fucking well would"
Well, I had no choice did I? I mean, if that got out i'd be finished. Levy smiled, he knew he had me. ****.
"I'll give you 24 hours to hand over your ITK files. I want to know everything" and with that he got back in his pushchair and was wheeled away by his henchmen.
End of Part 1
So there you have it. Fuck knows what i'm going to do. I might have to go into hiding and hope he doesn't find me. Wish me luck guys. I'll be back.
