- Feb 1, 2005
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Goooooodmorning ITKnaaaaaam
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ITK
30th August 2011. The Premier League has almost obtained complete secrecy over transfer information. ITK has almost been wiped out and the last hope for the ITKs lies in obtaining the mythical amulet called The Eye of Teekay which legend says grants the wearer the power to decypher any cryptic. A powerful organisation of Journalists is fighting against the Premier League in order to keep thousands of rumour mills, the back pages of their publications and above all, ITK alive. The race is on to see who obtains the Amulet.
Our story starts in London................
The door to the Chairman of the Premier League's office swung open and Indiana Levy walked in and sat in the chair opposite.
"So you've found out where it is?" Asked Levy "Yes, our information is that its in Egypt" he looked down at some papers and went on "we believe that its hidden in a place called the well of arsouls"
He went on "The Transfer Window closes in 48 hours. If you haven't obtained the Amulet by then, we're fucked"
Levy smiled. "I'll get it done. Will I face any opposition?" The EPL Chairman looked up from his papers, his face was grimly set "The Press are rallying behind the last of the ITK's, we're not sure of his identity, but be very careful"
Suddenly the budgie that the chairman kept in a cage in the office started singing. Quick as a flash, Levy pulled a gun from his breast pocket and shot it. "No twitter in here" he said as he blew the smoke from the barrel of the gun.
Quick as a flash we're transported to Egypt..............
8 hours later Indiana Levy was stepping off his private jet which has just landed at Cairo International Airport and was greeted by a tall burly man wearing a Fez and carrying a one eyed monkey on his shoulder. "Indiana my friend!" he called out as Levy stepped onto the tarmac. "Mido, it is always good to see you" They hugged and Mido waved Levy into a waiting car which sped off as soon as they got in.
"I'll need a guide Mido"
"You know where the Amulet is?" said Mido, his eyebrows raised "The Valley of the BapBap" repled Levy. "The Valley of the BapBap!.....There's a big dig going on out there right now, some of the most famous ITKologists in the world are taking part!....Are they too looking for the Amulet?"
Levy sighed. "Of course. But the Valley is large, we can narrow the search down, the Amulet is in the Well of arsouls" Levy gripped Mido by the arm. "We must get to the Amulet first my friend...we must!"
Mido looked serious as he thought for a moment. "Then there is no time to lose"........."You have a guide in mind?" asked Levy
"Of course my friend, of course......you know him. His name is Ghaly. He is the best, he has been doing guide work for many years and is on form"
The group spends an hour at Mido's house finalising their plans and checking equipment before setting out on the journey to The Valley of the BapBap. Indiana Levy spends a lot of the journey leafing through ancient texts which he hopes will give him some clues as to the location of the Well of Arsouls.
Meanwhile a shadowy figure in a floppy hat and cape is sitting in a tent at a dig in the Valley of the BapBap, he's looking intently at a map of the Valley.
He twitches several times as his finger traces along the contours on the map. His finger stops at a place on the map and taps on it several times. His manservant, a chinese dwarf named 'HungLike DonKee' pulls on the finger and he lets out a rip snorting fart and giggles like a maniac.
Dawn was breaking as Indiana Levy and his companions reached their destination. He climbed to the top of a sand dune and lay flat so as not to be seen while he surveyed the dig through a pair of binoculars.
"They are digging in the wrong place!........If my calculations are correct, we can reach the Well without being seen" He ran back down the dune and the group unpacked their tools and made their way to a spot away from the main dig.
They shovelled quickly through the sand. Suddenly shovel hit stone. They wiped away the sand to reveal a block of stone which they heaved away to reveal a set of steps leading down into a chamber. Levy and Mido went down the steps, the torchlight revealed the floor of the chamber. "Snakes........I hate snakes" said Levy. Mido laughed. "They aren't snakes Indy my friend, they are noodles, the ancient ITK's believed noodles held reliable properties"
Their torches flickered around the chamber, settling on a glittering object, about four inches long, shaped like a peanut."The Eye of TeeKay" whispered Mido, in awe. Levy reached out and took it from its resting place. It was a beautiful object, Blue and Yellow gems set in gold outlined the shape of an eye. They turned to leave the chamber and climbed into a waiting helicopter.
Quick as a flash we're back in London............the Transfer Window is about to close...........
Levy arrived at the EPL building and was shown to the Chairmans office by a young girl with vast bosoms. He couldn't help but watch out of the corner of his eye as her bosoms bounced as she walked alongside him.
"do you know the difference between a cock and a chicken drumstick?" he asked, as they walked "No" she replied.....Levy smiled to himself and said "wanna to go for a picnic?"
While they were talking Levy hadn't noticed that the lift they took didn't go up, it went down. As the doors slid open he was grabbed and thrown roughly into a chair opposite the EPL Chairman who looked scared and was sweating like a pig.
The mystery cloaked figure gestured to one of his henchmen "Give me the bag", the burly minder grabbed the girl and pushed her toward him "no you silly twat, the bag, the bag....." The buffoon is question realised his mistake and took the bag which was slung over Levy's shoulder and handed it to him.
The cloaked man emptied the contents on the table to reveal the amulet and just as he did so, the lights went out. Several thuds were heard, some groaning and several more thuds and suddenly, the light flickered back on to reveal the amazing sight of THREE cloaked figures, several unconscious henchmen and two stunningly beautiful women dressed only in erotic underwear.
Everybody realised that the moment of truth had arrived. Who would finally obtain of the Eye of TeeKay? Would Levy and the EPL finally silence
ITK for good or would it continue as before?
For his part, Levy was wondering who on earth the cloaked men were and if the tottie that was with them did a turn..........
Everyone in the room was eyeing eachother suspiciously. Then eyeing the Amulet, then eyeing each other again. Levy was eyeing the erotic underwear being worn by the candyfloss and wondered wether they did it in his size.
The Chairman of the EPL broke the silence. "Who are you?"
"You can't keep us quiet" shouted one of the hooded, caped figures. "And that's ITK!" shouted a second before turning and high fiving the first speaker. He went on......"You want to silence us and we're not having it"
"I'm afraid you'll have to" Said the EPL Chairman, pointing a gun at them all
and reaching for the Amulet. As he picked it up the Blue & Yellow gems started glowing. The Chairman stared at the glowing gems in a trance, one of the hooded figures leaped forward and grabbed the gun. The chairman was oblivious, still staring at the Blue & Yellow gems as the aura formed a ball around the amulet and shot a bolt of blue and yellow into his eyes. He dropped the Amulet and held his hands in front of his face, examining them as he rapidly aged before exploding in a cloud of dust.
"uuurgh, thats gross" said one of the cloaked men. "I think you'll find that wasn't me" said Levy, "You can chalk that one down to Alan Sugar"
The hooded man with the gun walked over to Indiana Levy and pointed the gun at him. Then he let the gun spin over his trigger finger and handed it to him.
The other cloaked men gasped. Levy smiled. "Did you really think I was going to let ITK carry on as before?........Now then, take those silly hoods off"
This was the moment of truth. Finally Indiana Levy would discover the
identities of those who were opposing him. The first man dropped his cloak and removed the hood covering his features.
"well well well, if it isn't Harry Redknapp" said Levy. I should have known. With a gob like yours rumour and ITK dying out would be like a fate worse than death"
"Yeah but its top top ITK" said Harry "And you're scared the fans will discover the truth about you"
"The fans love me. In Levy we trust they say. They say it all the time......the mugs"
"How about you shy boy?" Said Levy gesturing toward the remaining cloaked figure. "Come on, have at it, I haven't got all day"
"What's the time?" Asked Harry
"Ten to Eleven, ten minutes until the Transfer Window closes" said Levy glancing at his Rolex.
"Still got 9 minutes to play with huh Danny boy?" Levy turned to the
remaining hooded figure. "I forgot about you, come on, of with the hood"
The hooded man reached up and slowly removed his hood, letting it fall around the back of his neck, he looked up and smiled.
"Alan Sugar!" Levy went pale
"Thats right you bald headed dwarf spiv. And you're fired. I didn't bargain for this when I sold up to you and i'm here for revenge"
Levy looked at Redknapp, Redknapp looked at Sugar and then both of them looked at the gun in Levy's hands.
Redknapp made a dive for the Amulet and Levy fired twice, missing both times. As he did so Sugar ran up to Levy and wrestled him for control of the gun. Sugar banged Levys hand against the wall forcing him to drop the gun which slid under a chair. Sugar and Levy stared at eachother for a brief second before realising that Redknapp almost had his hands on the Amulet.
They both made a dive for it and all three reached it at exactly the same time. As the three of them wrestled for control a shadow fell over them, they all looked up and stood transfixed, refusing to believe the evidence of their own eyes.
A Goat, at least seven feet tall was standing watching them curiously.
The two girls dressed in erotic underwear were stood, one on each side, stroking The Goats cheeks seductively, nibbling on his ears and whispering to him.
Alan Sugar looked at what was dangling between the Goat's legs "What the fu....." He stopped abruptly as The Goat began to speak.
"I'll have that" he said taking the Eye of Teekay from their hands and placing it around his neck. As the amulet settled, the Blue & Yellow aura began forming into a ball and slowly wrapped itself around The Goat.
"Things must stay the same" said The Goat. "You cannot kill ITK and now you're all going to learn an important lesson" The Goat pointed the Eye of TeeKay at Levy, a bolt shot out of it into Levy's body, which convulsed briefly before a calm settled over him.
He stood a trancelike state and said "I must do deals early"
"About bastard time" Said Sugar before realising that The Goat was now pointing the Amulet at him "no no" he said as the bolt struck him.
Sugar was also now in a trancelike state as he said "I must stop making shitty TV programmes"
Finally The Goat pointed the Amulet at Redknapp and decided against it. "You" said the Goat, "You'll never learn"
"Now get back to what you're all supposed to be doing" said The Goat. All three men filed out of the room, leaving The Goat alone.
Not a bad days work he thought to himself as he scratched his rather large testes. Plans to kill of ITK were scuppered, the transfer window was closed and The Eye of Teekay was safe. Forever.
Outside, Alan Sugar got into a waiting roller "You twats can walk" he said as he got in and left, leaving Levy and Redknapp alone.
"So" Said Harry "You selling Modric?"
"I think so" replied Levy
"I quit" said Harry and twitched away into the distance
Levy took out his mobile phone and dialled. "Get me Mark Hughes, I need to speak to him"
The Goat heard all of this and smiled, he powered up his laptop and logged on to Spurs Community, wondering wether to cryptic it all or not...….How do you work a cabbage into it though? As he logged off from SC he looked up, winked and said............
"See you all in January"
