- Feb 1, 2005
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- #1
WELCOME TO THE GRAND OPENING OF THE TRANSFER MADHOUSE!
Two hundred and twenty five……..Two hundred and twenty six,……Two hundred and……suddenly the door to his office opened. Daniel Levy leapt to his feet, doing up his flies in a hurry as Joe Lewis burst in. "What are you doing?" Lewis asked. "I was counting my hairs" said Levy. Joe Lewis laughed "But you're as bald as a babies arse, I can tell you right now how many hairs you got shorty, fucking none"
Levy blushed. Why was it Lewis always made him feel uncomfortable? "No" Levy replied, I was counting the hairs on my nutsack. Lewis looked at him, bolt eyed. Levy went on "At the end of every season I send the BSoDL a card thanking them for their support and I sellotape a single pube to each card"
"What the fuck for?" Asked Lewis
"DNA testing. Gotta make sure my bastard sons are genuine" said Levy "Plus one or two of them get a thrill out of it. A Levy-hair is a rare thing, a collectable"
Lewis sat down. "These bastard sons of yours………just how loyal are they?"
Levy smiled. "Unswerving, total and utter devotion. They could come home from work and find me upping their wives and they'd kick her for not baking me a cake……why do you ask?"
Lewis leant back in his chair, put his hands behind his head and smiled. "They might come in useful when you hear this"…….He went on….."We're cancelling the new stadium. I've decided we can play at the New River sports complex near Wood Green"
Levy sat bolt upright. Well, as upright as a dwarf can get, to be honest, its sometimes difficult to tell. He might have been standing. After about thirty seconds he regained the power of speech……..
"There's no way, no fucking way that I can sell that"
Lewis smiled. "Sure you can, you've got the gift of the gab and you have the BSoDL on your side, you said it yourself…..all you have to do is come up with a half decent reason"
Levy simply sat there (or stood, we still don't know). He couldn't believe his ears. Suddenly he emitted a high pitched shriek which was only heard by several dogs within a half mile radius and launched himself across the desk at Lewis. For several seconds they wrestled on the floor, locked in a vice-like death grip. Lewis picked Levy up by the scruff of his neck and drop kicked him across the office, Levy hit the wall, tumbled down it, sprang to his feet and threw himself at Lewis again. All you could hear was a primitive animal like snarling as Levy hissed and scratched at Lewis. Finally, Levy's strength gave way and he collapsed into Lewis' arms sobbing.
"There there Danny, there there" he said soothingly as he stroked his cheek. "Give it to me Uncle Joe, give it to me now" whispered Levy. Lewis smiled and reached into his jacket pocket.
"Here you go" said Lewis as he handed over the envelope, "Here's your 500k pay rise"
Levy's eyes glazed over as he took the envelope "what about the ground?" he asked
"Naaaah" said Lewis, I was only yanking your chain.
"You're a ****" said Levy
Lewis leaned back in his chair and lit the fattest cigar the world has ever seen, puffed on it several times and blew smoke rings into Levys face.
"I know son, I know"………..
Suddenly, from the direction of the pitch singing could be heard
I'm Bee Ess oh Dee Ell
I'm Bee Ess oh Dee Ell
I know I am, i'm sure I am
I'm Bee Ess oh Dee Ell
Lewis and Levy stood and went to the window to watch as Levy's sons gathered to serenade him. "See?" said Lewis……"with devotion like that you can get away with anything"
Levy smiled as a warm glow of affection and pride swept over him. "I think you're right" he said…..
Lewis blew one final smoke ring which hovered exactly above Levy's head before stabbing his cigar into the ashtray
"I'm glad you think so" he said as he put his jacket on. "Now about the ground"…..Levy turned sharply, but Lewis was gone, the door slowly closing shut. All he could hear was laughter fading into the distance.
Levy turned back to the serenading and mumbled one word.
"****"
