The Daily ITK Discussion Thread - STAR WARS 29th August 2016

Discussion in 'The January 2016 Transfer Rumours Archive' started by Archibald&Crooks, Aug 29, 2016.

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  1. Archibald&Crooks

    Archibald&Crooks Aegina Expat Admin

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    The thread is dead I said last time out.

    Well not no more baby!

    And to celebrate i'm even going to give you all a story from the archives. Sorry......If I had time i'd write a new one.

    Today we go back to January 2012 for some Star Wars! Please remember when this was written for context.

    *Hums Star Wars theme der der der derderder derdeder.............I would be grateful if you would play your part fully and also hum it. Come on........der der der derderder derdeder

    ITK Episode I: The Phantom is menaced

    A long time ago in a Transfer Window far, far away.... It is a dark time for ITK. Although eyeteekay still exists, its credibility has been severely damaged and the great unwashed (that’s you lot) aren’t paying much attention any more.

    It is a time of strife and conflict. Daily Mail employees trawl the Internet daily for stories to print and despite their best efforts, established ITK’s are losing the fight to be heard.

    The evil empire, led by Darth Lee Vee are sworn to eradicate ITK and he dispatches two of his best men, Darth Blue and Darth Yellow to track down the leader of the Jed-ITK, Obi Wan Pottle and destroy him……………

    Chapter One: The first casualty of ITK is the truth.

    “Aguero to Spurs”

    Who the fuck says so? Boomed the deep voice of Darth Lee Vee as he applied some Nivea cream to his face and examined himself in the mirror.

    “One of the ITK’s Lord Lee Vee” replied Darth Cull Hen as she hastily put on her bra. “Oh and you have a 3 o’clock with Bill Gates. That software that ‘accidentally’ makes ticketing errors to our advantage is almost complete.

    “You deal with it…….Have Blue and Yellow arrived? Get them in here”

    Fifteen minutes later the bell on Darth Lee Vees office door chimed to the tune of Macnamara’s Band and the door slid open with an impressive ‘swoosh’

    Darths Blue and Yellow walked up to the magnificent desk as Darth Lee Vee was furiously pumping the handle on the side of his chair that raised the seat. A couple of minutes later his head appeared above the desk.

    “that’s better” he said as he at last managed to see over the top of the desk. He clasped both his hands behind his head as he leaned back in the chair.

    “Aguero to Spurs” he said, looking at them intently.

    “Who the fuck says so?” asked Darth Blue.

    “That’s what you two are going to find out” Said Darth Lee Vee

    “Is there any truth to it?” asked Darth Yellow. Darth Lee Vee raised his eyebrows, his eyes widened. “Of course not, now get thee hence and bring me the source of this rumour”

    “Oh and one last thing” he called after them. Darths Blue and Yellow turned to face him. “There’s a new name that keeps cropping up. Find out what you can about him will you?”

    “Yes Lord Lee Vee” replied Blue.

    “What name?” asked Yellow

    A serious look came across his face, which coincidentally is exactly what he’d just done to Darth Cull Hen.


    “You ****s” he mumbled to himself as Darths Blue and Yellow left the room.

    Several hours later Darths Blue and Yellow had tracked down their main snitch, an extremely obese lard gutted man nicknamed Pizza the Hutt.

    “Honestly, I really don’t know where it started. I read it the same as you, on the internet. All it said was Aguero to Spurs”

    “You holding back on us Pizza?” Asked Darth Yellow as he held up a large radish and slapped a handful of Vaseline over it “Don’t hold anything back or you get it” he growled, making an upright jabbing motion with the radish.

    Darth Blue decided to play good cop to yellows bad cop…… “OK, say for a minute we believe you, who’s this Dave we are hearing about?

    Pizza the Hutt burst out laughing. He laughed so much he was rolling about on the floor with tears streaming down his face.

    Darths Blue and Yellow looked at each other and then down at the Hutt. “Hahhahahahahah ha hah Bahaha……..Dave! Baha oh hahahaha, every…….hahaha, everyone knows who Dave is! Hahahahahaha”

    “Dave has long been a supposed transfer target of Spurs, you’d know him as Vincenzo Iaquinta-aaaaaaaaaaaaa” The last vowel of his name turned into a scream as Darth Yellow rammed the radish right up the Hutts jacksey and they left the room.

    Meanwhile Obi-Wan Pottle, unaware that Lee Vee’s two evil henchmen were hot on his trail was enjoying a Jacuzzi with his two lieutenants, Ben Solo and Arch Hee

    “Aguero to Spurs”“ said Arch Hee.

    “Who the fuck says so?” said Obi-Wan Pottle, Ben Solo coughed.

    I mean, where do they get this stuff from? Does one of the other ITK's want to handle this?” Obi-Wan Pottle continued. He stopped as he noticed Ben Solo looking at him sheepishly.

    “It came from me” he said “Aguero to Spurs came from me”

    Obi-Wan Pottle couldn’t contain himself. “Do you realize what you’ve done?, what have I told you, time after fucking time?”

    “I’m sorry! It was only to a mate and I thought he knew I was kidding”

    Arch Hee shook his head. “Never, ever give out info you can’t back up or isn’t from a decent source………Its rule No1”

    “Shut up you twat” interrupted Pottle, “I’m thinking”

    “We can’t have an ITK giving out anything less than the truth” said Pottle

    “That horse has long bolted” came a deep voice from behind them

    All three swung round in surprise

    “Goatbacca!, I thought you’d retired!” shouted Ben Solo.

    “I tried but every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in……..Now look at the mess we’re in. And you, sillybollocks” said Goatbacca, pointed at Darth Pottle,

    “you’re in right schtuck, you've been commenting in public about others ITK again haven't you?"


    "No fucking buts. Now you've got those two mad ****s Blue and Yellow after you and you know what'll happen if they get their hands on you don't you?"

    Pottle's eyes widened. "Not............"

    "Yes, nodded Goatbacca..........You'll soon be making very intimate friends with a Radish"

    Goatbacca paced up and down as he pondered the situation, he didn't want to do it but he couldn't see any other way. The Jed-ITK had long been masters of a mysterious ability known only as 'The farce' which allowed them to move objects or communicate using only their minds. A thousand yard stare settled across Goatbacca's face as he concentrated.

    A hundred miles away in an office at the Spurs training ground, Harry Shitetalker dropped a call from Talksport as the ghostly figure of Goatbacca appeared. "Aguero to Spurs" said Goatbacca

    "Who the fuck says so?" replied Harry

    "You know what to do Harry, rumour false it is, make the press believe it, you must" and with that he faded out.

    The phone rang again on Harry's desk. It was that grade 1 clitoris from the Daily Mail, sniffing about for a story. Handy.

    "Aguero to Spurs Harry?"

    "Who the fu.....erm, yeah I like the boy, he's a top-top player, but I don't know if its possible, I doubt we'll do anything this window, its hard, very hard" and he replaced the receiver. Job done.

    Find out what happens when Darths Blue and Yellow find Obi-Wan Pottle. Will Goatbacca be able to save him? What will Darth Lee Vee have to say about Dave’s real identity? And was it really Arch Hee that left the floater in the Jacuzzi?

    The answers to these questions and more in Part 2………………
    • Funny Funny x 22
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  2. aussiespursguy

    aussiespursguy Active Member

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    • Agree Agree x 1
  3. VegasII

    VegasII Well-Known Member

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  4. Hoopspur

    Hoopspur Sometimes I wonder why I bother

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    Strap in or should that be strap on. Gonna be a rough one!
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. DanielJohnCosta

    DanielJohnCosta Active Member

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    is star wars a hint for the impending battle to sign Isco?
    • Creative Creative x 1
  6. doctor stefan Freud

    doctor stefan Freud Well-Known Member

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    Where are we now regarding Isco? We had a meltdown, then had some more itk that confirmed our interest. I hope we find out one way or another very soon, this high emotional state is playing havoc with my Botox
  7. Gb160

    Gb160 Aggressivity

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    His Dad failed the medical...cataracts I think.
    • Funny Funny x 9
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  8. PhezTHFC

    PhezTHFC Fathead

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    Mate seriously this is awesome! How the hell you came up with that is incredible. Hats off to you @Archibald&Crooks :blackalien:(y)
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  9. Monkey boy

    Monkey boy Well-Known Member

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    Maybe to please the karma gods into giving us a galactico signing of our own, all thee that post here, a donation shall be made?
  10. TheVoiceofReason

    TheVoiceofReason Well-Known Member

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    That would be great, I could really use the cash.
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  11. TheVoiceofReason

    TheVoiceofReason Well-Known Member

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    Them bath salts ain't buying themselves.
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  12. FreddieYid

    FreddieYid Well-Known Member

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    I don't understand why we haven't brought an alternative to Dembele? It's painfully clear how important he is to the way we play and if the back up plan is pairing Dier and Wanyama them I worry.

    Mousa can't play every league and champions league game and as much as I like Winks, Poch clearly doesn't see him as ready to be his backup otherwise he'd be starting in that role in his absence, at home to Crystal Palace at the very least, the other two games I can understand playing two holding midfielders (and yes I know that VW scored the goal against Palace).

    We're also screaming out for two different type of players to play in the '3'. One with guile, who can unlock a stubborn defence and another with genuine pace, the type of player that can break the defensive lines, instead of always liking the ball to their feet like Eriksen and Lamela do.

    GKN and Zaha seem to be the players identified for the latter of these two roles, while Isco would certainly improve our creativity, but really? Do we honestly believe this will EVER happen? Can we do all the business required by the end of the window?

    Even if Son stays, which I hope he does we're short. Edwards needs a loan move to get first team football and toughen up by playing against men week in week out and to be honest, I kind of hoped that Onomah could possibly get a loan too, but as it stands he's our first port of call from the bench.
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2016
    • Agree Agree x 10
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  13. Nine while nine

    Nine while nine Taking a room at the Imbecile Hotel

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    I'd love A&C's revival of his Star Wars story to herald an, as yet, unknown top secret signing, but I think, rather, it's a reference to our long-planned purchase from Marseille.

    A few days ago, @Trix called Georges-Kevin 'the Count' and, despite having the wonderful Christopher Lee as my avatar, I didn't immediately get the reference.

    However, with the Star Wars theme back in play, it all becomes clear. Georges-Kevin is Count N'Doukou.

    I hope something else is out there, but GKN does, at least, seem done.
    • Like Like x 1
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  14. Trix

    Trix Well-Known Member

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    This may well be just a coincidence but we tried to sign Isco back in 2012 as well.
    • Informative Informative x 17
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  15. Hoopspur

    Hoopspur Sometimes I wonder why I bother

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    Guess it's just as well we didn't because Real would have now just bought him off us for £75m this transfer window! :rolleyes:
    • Funny Funny x 6
  16. dagraham

    dagraham Well-Known Member

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    FYP ;) :D
  17. dovahkiin

    dovahkiin Top notch swords!

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    BEN on you know who: we want but hearing struggle
    • Informative Informative x 27
  18. Vinny_Sammways_left_peg

    Vinny_Sammways_left_peg Well-Known Member

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    Bloody Voldermort! Just give him the soddin' wand and see if that sweetens the pot!
    • Funny Funny x 15
  19. he is you know!

    he is you know! Member

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    +85 / 4 / -2
  20. stevensthfc

    stevensthfc Active Member

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    +899 / 156 / -79
    This isn't going to happen imo but at least we tried... lol

    It'll be Georges-Kevin N'Koudou on deadline day and that will be our lot.
    • Agree Agree x 8
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
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