- Feb 1, 2005
The thread is dead I said last time out.
Well not no more baby!
And to celebrate i'm even going to give you all a story from the archives. Sorry......If I had time i'd write a new one.
Today we go back to January 2012 for some Star Wars! Please remember when this was written for context.
*Hums Star Wars theme der der der derderder derdeder.............I would be grateful if you would play your part fully and also hum it. Come on........der der der derderder derdeder
ITK Episode I: The Phantom is menaced
A long time ago in a Transfer Window far, far away.... It is a dark time for ITK. Although eyeteekay still exists, its credibility has been severely damaged and the great unwashed (that’s you lot) aren’t paying much attention any more.
It is a time of strife and conflict. Daily Mail employees trawl the Internet daily for stories to print and despite their best efforts, established ITK’s are losing the fight to be heard.
The evil empire, led by Darth Lee Vee are sworn to eradicate ITK and he dispatches two of his best men, Darth Blue and Darth Yellow to track down the leader of the Jed-ITK, Obi Wan Pottle and destroy him……………
Chapter One: The first casualty of ITK is the truth.
“Aguero to Spurs”
Who the fuck says so? Boomed the deep voice of Darth Lee Vee as he applied some Nivea cream to his face and examined himself in the mirror.
“One of the ITK’s Lord Lee Vee” replied Darth Cull Hen as she hastily put on her bra. “Oh and you have a 3 o’clock with Bill Gates. That software that ‘accidentally’ makes ticketing errors to our advantage is almost complete.
“You deal with it…….Have Blue and Yellow arrived? Get them in here”
Fifteen minutes later the bell on Darth Lee Vees office door chimed to the tune of Macnamara’s Band and the door slid open with an impressive ‘swoosh’
Darths Blue and Yellow walked up to the magnificent desk as Darth Lee Vee was furiously pumping the handle on the side of his chair that raised the seat. A couple of minutes later his head appeared above the desk.
“that’s better” he said as he at last managed to see over the top of the desk. He clasped both his hands behind his head as he leaned back in the chair.
“Aguero to Spurs” he said, looking at them intently.
“Who the fuck says so?” asked Darth Blue.
“That’s what you two are going to find out” Said Darth Lee Vee
“Is there any truth to it?” asked Darth Yellow. Darth Lee Vee raised his eyebrows, his eyes widened. “Of course not, now get thee hence and bring me the source of this rumour”
“Oh and one last thing” he called after them. Darths Blue and Yellow turned to face him. “There’s a new name that keeps cropping up. Find out what you can about him will you?”
“Yes Lord Lee Vee” replied Blue.
“What name?” asked Yellow
A serious look came across his face, which coincidentally is exactly what he’d just done to Darth Cull Hen.
“You ****s” he mumbled to himself as Darths Blue and Yellow left the room.
Several hours later Darths Blue and Yellow had tracked down their main snitch, an extremely obese lard gutted man nicknamed Pizza the Hutt.
“Honestly, I really don’t know where it started. I read it the same as you, on the internet. All it said was Aguero to Spurs”
“You holding back on us Pizza?” Asked Darth Yellow as he held up a large radish and slapped a handful of Vaseline over it “Don’t hold anything back or you get it” he growled, making an upright jabbing motion with the radish.
Darth Blue decided to play good cop to yellows bad cop…… “OK, say for a minute we believe you, who’s this Dave we are hearing about?
Pizza the Hutt burst out laughing. He laughed so much he was rolling about on the floor with tears streaming down his face.
Darths Blue and Yellow looked at each other and then down at the Hutt. “Hahhahahahahah ha hah Bahaha……..Dave! Baha oh hahahaha, every…….hahaha, everyone knows who Dave is! Hahahahahaha”
“Dave has long been a supposed transfer target of Spurs, you’d know him as Vincenzo Iaquinta-aaaaaaaaaaaaa” The last vowel of his name turned into a scream as Darth Yellow rammed the radish right up the Hutts jacksey and they left the room.
Meanwhile Obi-Wan Pottle, unaware that Lee Vee’s two evil henchmen were hot on his trail was enjoying a Jacuzzi with his two lieutenants, Ben Solo and Arch Hee
“Aguero to Spurs”“ said Arch Hee.
“Who the fuck says so?” said Obi-Wan Pottle, Ben Solo coughed.
I mean, where do they get this stuff from? Does one of the other ITK's want to handle this?” Obi-Wan Pottle continued. He stopped as he noticed Ben Solo looking at him sheepishly.
“It came from me” he said “Aguero to Spurs came from me”
Obi-Wan Pottle couldn’t contain himself. “Do you realize what you’ve done?, what have I told you, time after fucking time?”
“I’m sorry! It was only to a mate and I thought he knew I was kidding”
Arch Hee shook his head. “Never, ever give out info you can’t back up or isn’t from a decent source………Its rule No1”
“Shut up you twat” interrupted Pottle, “I’m thinking”
“We can’t have an ITK giving out anything less than the truth” said Pottle
“That horse has long bolted” came a deep voice from behind them
All three swung round in surprise
“Goatbacca!, I thought you’d retired!” shouted Ben Solo.
“I tried but every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in……..Now look at the mess we’re in. And you, sillybollocks” said Goatbacca, pointed at Darth Pottle,
“you’re in right schtuck, you've been commenting in public about others ITK again haven't you?"
"No fucking buts. Now you've got those two mad ****s Blue and Yellow after you and you know what'll happen if they get their hands on you don't you?"
Pottle's eyes widened. "Not............"
"Yes, nodded Goatbacca..........You'll soon be making very intimate friends with a Radish"
Goatbacca paced up and down as he pondered the situation, he didn't want to do it but he couldn't see any other way. The Jed-ITK had long been masters of a mysterious ability known only as 'The farce' which allowed them to move objects or communicate using only their minds. A thousand yard stare settled across Goatbacca's face as he concentrated.
A hundred miles away in an office at the Spurs training ground, Harry Shitetalker dropped a call from Talksport as the ghostly figure of Goatbacca appeared. "Aguero to Spurs" said Goatbacca
"Who the fuck says so?" replied Harry
"You know what to do Harry, rumour false it is, make the press believe it, you must" and with that he faded out.
The phone rang again on Harry's desk. It was that grade 1 clitoris from the Daily Mail, sniffing about for a story. Handy.
"Aguero to Spurs Harry?"
"Who the fu.....erm, yeah I like the boy, he's a top-top player, but I don't know if its possible, I doubt we'll do anything this window, its hard, very hard" and he replaced the receiver. Job done.
Find out what happens when Darths Blue and Yellow find Obi-Wan Pottle. Will Goatbacca be able to save him? What will Darth Lee Vee have to say about Dave’s real identity? And was it really Arch Hee that left the floater in the Jacuzzi?
The answers to these questions and more in Part 2………………