- Feb 1, 2005
Pinch and a punch, first of the month! And today we bring you a thrilling (yeah right) tale of intrigue, murder and fingering in the bushes behind the car park.........This morning we give you a spoof on the TV detective series 'Dalziel & Pascoe'.............
Ladies and gentlemen I give you.........
DANIEL AND FIASCO! (PART ONE)
Daniel Levy had never felt happier since passing his detective exams. He'd decided to stay on as dwarf in chief at Tottenham Hotspur and double up as a detective with the clubs anti-ITK unit. Well, I say he decided but nothing gets decided or done in Levyworld without the say so and agreement of Levy's invisible friend and partner 'fiasco'.............
It had been a hard couple of days. He'd been considering getting into the biscuit business but disaster struck during his visit to McVities when the automatic biscuit dunking machine confused Levy with a Rich Tea finger, picked him up and dunked him in a cup of tea. He decided there and then the biscuit business was for taller people and he was wondering what to get into next.
The ringing of the telephone broke into his train of thought, he picked up, it was a long distance call from France, reverse charges. That irritated Levy as it was one of his favourite tricks but he knew the call was from Marseille and he needed to get the deal for Batshuayi done before anyone else got a look in.
"allo, allo!" came the voice from France......"Monsignor Levee?"
"Its Levy you ****, Levy"
"ahh but of course Msr Levee mon cherie, av you put ze bid eeen?"
Levy assured the man that a bid for the price agreed would be faxed over within the hour and ended the call.
A voice in Levy's head said "The mans a ****.........Don't put the bid in"......It was Fiasco, Levy's invisible friend. Levy told him he couldn't possibly do that, the deal had been all but done for weeks.
"Ahhhh fuck that" said Fiasco, "we got ages yet, I reckon if we wait him out we'll get a monkey off the price, maybe even a whole grand"
"But what if those gazumping ****s come in?"
"It ain't gonna happen" said Fiasco.
And so Daniel waited. And waited. A couple of months passed during which time he'd planted "ITK" with various sources saying this was literally done. Then, a few days ago, the phone rang again and Levy was informed that the player and his people had changed their minds and he was going to Chelsea. "You absolute wanker" screamed Levy, "I'm going to look a right **** now" but Fiasco never seemed to be there when Levy got angry. Levy trashed his office, well, trashed as much as a 3ft 4" ninja could and sat amongst the wreckage (a bent paper cup and a crumpled jacket) pondering his next move..........
"Wait out those ****s at Alkmaar" came Fiasco's voice as he sat, perched on Daniels shoulder. "I reckon you could save at least two grand"
Levy's eyes lit up
"D'ya think so?......really really think so"
Fiasco smiled. "Of course Daniel, of course"
END OF PART ONE
Part two coming soon.