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rez9000

Any point?
Feb 8, 2007
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The dust has settled, the survivors are picking themselves up, the battle calls are silenced.

What a season it's been! Ups and downs. Highs and lows. (That's the same thing as ups and downs, Rez - Ed.) And of course, lots of rounds and rounds.

Welcome to the season review! Well, my season review anyway. There will probably be others to go along with it, but we'll crack on anyway.

June 2008

White Hart Lane is deserted, except for a single, solitary and very lonely groundsman, staring forlornly at the empty stands and asking himself 'where is everybody?'

Spurs players are taking a well-deserved break. The run-in has taxed them to them to the core and it has shown in the fact that the club had won only two games since February.

In the trophy room, the Carling Cup sat, all shiny and lovely looking. The Lonely Groundsman walked in one day and stood looking at it for what seemed like five miunutes, but was probably more like four hours. It gets that way at White Hart Lane sometimes.

July 2008

White Hart Lane had visitors! But it was only Daniel Levy's Mum, who'd come to collect his packed-lunchbox, which he'd left behind for the fifth time that season. She tutted to herself as she noticed that he hadn't eaten his apple again. 'That boy needs more fruit' she muttered to herself as she drove away. The Lonely Groundsman waved to Mrs Levy as she left, but she didn't notice.

In Spain, the Spurs players were enjoying their bonding exercise. However, under the azure waves and gushing foam of the Spanish costa, trouble was brewing...

Something red approached. Two red things approached. One carried a pitchfork. The other, a hubcap. They both had Spurs in their sights and history has taught us that when the red ones descend, there's little that can be done about it.

The hubcap carrying one, with the unusual accent, struck first and carried off one of the players to the dungeon known as An'feld. Branded he was with the mark of 7. In the wake of the red one's departure, it sprinkled gold-

(OK, enough with the Lord of the Rings pastiche, yeah? - Ed.)

Right. So Robbie left. But we were still sure that that most loyal of servants, Dimitar Berbatov, would never stoop so low as to betray the club that had nurtured him, worshipped him and catapulted him onto the world stage. Never!

Anyway, the lads enjoyed Spain's tapas, sangria, Spanish Eyes, and a whole host of other stereotypes. Oh, and they played some football too. One of the lads picked up the phone to call the Lonely Groundsman, but stopped halfway through, deciding that he was probably busy. Rumour has it that it was Gilberto, using one of his lifelines in the hotel's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire competition, but that remains unconfirmed.

The lads returned to England in the middle of July to find Danielle Lloyd waiting for them. Poor Danny had had an awful time of it. Because he'd left for Portsmouth in January, she'd had to leave her last beau, Defoe. See what I did there? Get on with it! - Ed. Still, Jamie O sounded right and she'd been preparing for a fortnight for his return; doing her hair, applying lipstick, and hoovering out her 'aircraft hangar'. She was ready!

August 2008

Bentley adjusted the single hair that was out of place, and smiled at himself in the mirror. 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the greatest player of them all? Actually, don't answer that'

The season got off to a rip roaring start… for Boro. And Sunderland. For Spurs, the dark clouds that had been gathering since February… erm… gathered some more. (I’m calling you a taxi – Ed.)

A point at Stamford Bridge raised spirits a little, but the rumblings remained. Fear began to curl a fist around the hearts of Spurs fans.

The Lonely Groundsman had been rejoined by his groundstaff colleagues, but realised that his loneliness lay within. In his desperation he turned to Mills and Boon novels for solace.

With problems on the pitch, Juande Ramos called his agent, who told him that everything was fine and that everyone at Spurs loved him. Damien Comolli called his agent, who told him that he didn’t have an agent. The two men met under a lamppost in Guernsey. To this day, no-one knows why. Meanwhile, Gus Poyet continued to jabber at the press. (I miss him – Ed.) At the end of August, someone left Spurs, but no-one can remember who it was.

September 2008

Disaster! Two losses and a draw. Beaten by Hull and Stoke. Spurs were in turmoil. The last time Spurs had been in turmoil was way back in 2007. It had been such a long time ago that no-one knew what to do, apart from the Lonely Groundsman, but he wasn’t telling. He was too wrapped up in Jennifer’s attempts to get Shawn to fall for her.

October 2008

We were sinking. There was nothing we could do but bite our fingernails and hope that the storm would end.

Italy beckoned. Udinese, a little club with a striking resemblance to Newcastle stood in their stadium. ‘Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough’ they taunted us – except in Italian, I would expect. We went. We had a go. We weren’t hard enough.

The knives were out. What was happening at Spurs? Two points from eight games, beaten in Europe by a minor team, and with a groundsman who felt moved to purchase a Barbara Cartland novel. It was coming apart at the seams.

Who would come to our rescue? Who could save us from the mire? Only one person! Yes! It was Darren Bent’s granny. (Try again – Ed.) Harry Redknapp? (That’s the one – Ed.)HARRY REDKNAPP????

We were stunned. Redknapp. Wheeler-dealer. Maybe a bit bent. Associated with West Ham. HE was the man Levy had chosen to try and get us out of this mess? Reknapp wasted no time in adding Kevin Bond to his backroom staff.

While we stood in dribbling stunned silence, Juande and Gus packed up their belongings and quietly left the building. Juande in particular knew that his dream of managing one of the greatest clubs in the world was over. (He’s Real’s manager, Rez – Ed.) He knew that his dream of managing one of the biggest clubs in the world was over. (Er, Rez… - Ed.)HE KNEW THAT MANAGING ONE OF…! (Alright, alright. Jeez – Ed.)
What a start! A 4-4 drubbing of Arsenal. And that goal. That wonderful, beautiful, magnificent goal! Bentley spent many an hour staring into the mirror after that.

November 2008

November brought 6 wins and 2 losses in various competitions, among them beating Liverpool twice in as many weeks. Could it be true? Was Redknapp the man we’d been missing since the Flying Dutchman had fallen by the wayside? It seemed that way, and Spurs fans began to hope. We grudgingly thanked Daniel Levy and mutteringly praised his choice. We weren’t the only ones to show our appreciation. Mrs Levy put an extra fairy cake in his lunchbox every day for a week. He still wasn’t eating his apple, though.

Redknapp added Joe Jordan to his backroom staff, and mentioned that there would be other coaches brought in too.

December 2008

Progress, progress. We dispatched Watford in the Carling Cup, saw off European opposition, but faltered a little in the League. Being beaten by West Brom and Newcatsle rankled, though, and the hope that had flared in our hearts dimmed a little. Still we were clawing our way clear of relegation and things were looking a little brighter.

At White Hart Lane, the Lonely Groundsman put down his Danielle Steele book, went to PC World and bought a computer. He had had an idea…

Harry Redknapp added Tim Sherwood to his coaching staff and in passing, mentioned that when he had arrived, Spurs only had 2 points from 8 games. Thankfully, that was a fact that would soon be forgotten…

January 2009

Joy of joy! Defoe was once more, a Yiddo! Everyone was pleased, not least the man himself. Walking onto the pitch with his porkpie hat tilted at a jaunty angle, Jermain knew that he was home again.

In a bedroom somewhere in Essex, Danielle paused mid-gobble when she heard the news. Jermain was back? What could she do? She glanced into the cupboard to see if her hoover was still there. It was! Oh, the agony of choice!

Oop North, we squeezed past Burnley to reach the Carling Cup Final. Against all odds, we had made Wembley twice in a row! Could it possibly be? Was the trophy coming home again? And then we heard the news. Our opponents would be none other than the Red Devils, the thieves, the kidnappers of our God. Revenge would be sweeeeeeeeeeet! What more would the month bring?

We found out soon enough. Robbie was back. As it turned out, he’d only been on holiday! He’d read a brochure that was offering Liverpool holidays for only £20 million pounds and had thought ‘bargain!’ But he was back, tanned and happy. (He wasn’t tanned – Ed.) Redknapp added Les Ferdinand to the coaching staff. Also, according to a study conducted by him, Spurs had only 2 points from 8 games when he arrived. He made sure that his findings were published.

February 2009

February was a quiet month. January had brought new signings, and a Wembley Final. A little time to catch one’s breath was needed. On the pitch, we had a mixed bag. Drawing with the Scum and beating Hull was marred slightly by our exit from Europe. But we would be back. We knew that we wouldn’t get there for next season… OR WOULD WE? (We didn’t – Ed.) Yes, I know. But I put it in for dramatic effect. (Look, we’re on a deadline here – Ed.)

Angleina Jolie, Kylie, and Louise Redknapp were added to the coaching staff at Spurs. Danielle Lloyd applied, but was rejected after a polling conducted by the players. Additionally, Redknapp unearthed a frightening statistic. When he had arrived, we had only had 2 points from 8 games.

March 2009

March. Showdown. The Carling Cup Final. Would we see Ledley ascend those steps to lift the Cup once more? As it happened, no. But we gave a good fist of it. It just wasn’t to be. We fought and harried and showed Yanited that we could mix it up with the best of them. On the day, it was the lottery of penalties that gave the Cup to Man U. But we walked away proud of the way we had played. We may not have been champions, but we felt like we were. (That’s so beautiful – Ed.) Two wins and two draws in the League saw us continue to rise up the table. A sweet moment came when we beat Chelsea at White Hart Lane - their first defeat under their new manager.

Just in case Spurs fans had forgotten, Redknapp reminded them that Spurs only had 2 points from 8 games, when he arrived. We thanked him for letting us know. He also added the Silver Surfer, the Hulk and God to his coaching staff.

April 2009

April saw our continued march up the table. We were within spitting distance of Europe. Redknapp didn’t hesitate to mention- (Yes, we get the joke. Move on, please – Ed.) A bad and unnecessary loss at Blackburn was a nasty shock. We had thought we were cruising. But two wins after that steadied the nerves. Then came that day – Black Saturday. The Day of Webb. ( $*"*&^%*$ !!! - Ed.) The boys had decided that they were going to teach Man U a lesson. Don’t get in the way when Spurs are after a trophy. We were going to maul them, we going to chew them up and spit them out. And we were going to show one particular scumbag what would happen if he celebrated scoring against his old club.

It started well. 2-0 at half time! AT OLD TRAFFORD!!! We could barely believe our eyes. However, we hadn’t counted on the fact that teams outside the Top 4 weren’t allowed to beat Man United at Old Trafford. Howard Webb made sure we learnt that lesson. (Enough – Ed.)You’re right. Enough.

Meanwhile, the Lonely Groundsman looked at himself in David Bentley’s mirror and adjusted his tie. He ran his fingers through his hair one last time and checked that he had his breath mints with him. He switched off the lights and left, closing the door gently behind him.

May 2009

An object lesson was given to everyone in May. A lesson in humility, humanity and gentlemanly conduct. The sad news of Wilson Palacios’ loss may well have passed most people by if it hadn’t been for that man’s class. He won many friends both inside White Hart Lane and without, and he showed himself to be a Man, in the truest sense of the word.

Elsewhere, Ledley King threw his weight about. Mrs Levy decided that if Daniel wasn’t going to eat his fruit then she might as well give it to Ledders, as he seemed to need it.

Europe was calling. It was between us and Fulham. Could we do it?

No, but never mind.

So, the season ended. From the pit to a respectable position all in one season. What will the future hold for Tottenham Hotspur? Find out next seas- (More football, I would have thought – Ed.) Yes, thank you, Ed.

At White Hart Lane, all was once more quiet. The Lonely Groundsman opened his eyes and smiled to himself. How far he had come in only a year. He was no longer Lonely. Joining that online dating agency had been the best decision he had ever made. In the space of a few months he had found his soulmate. Beautiful, funny and a vixen in the sack. He rolled over and caught the scent of her hair. He draw her to him and they embraced. 'Are you happy, darling?', he asked. 'Yeah' replied Danielle Lloyd.
 
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