- Feb 1, 2005
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I used an electric toothbrush for the first time ever this morning and I'm so pleased with the results!
I came twice.
Then I was recently told that the best way to make a cup of tea was to 'Agitate the Bag'.
So I woke up and shouted at Mrs A&C; "Two sugars, you fat bitch!"
And now for something completely different......……From the SC archives, first posted in August 2011
Reservoir Flogs
The Date:
2nd September 2011 The transfer window has not long closed and the fans aren't happy. Spurs beat the deadline by 22 seconds to secure the signature of former Real Madrid striker Hugo Sanchez, now aged 53.
The Scene:
The Boardroom at White Hart Lane. Shouting and chanting can be heard from outside as police and stewards battle to contain an unruly mob from breaking down the gates to the ground.
And so we begin.............
Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy strides briskly into the boardroom and sits down at the head of the table.
"For fucks sake!" he shouts as he disappears below the level of the table. A secretary rushes to his side and places two large books and a cushion under the Chairmans arse so that he is seated at the same height as everyone else.
"Right.............I've gathered you all here today to find a scapeg....erm to find out who is to blame for all of this"
His snake-like eyes flickered around the boardroom. Matthew Collecott was eating a McDonalds Happy Meal and playing with the Papa Smurf figure that came with the meal. Sir Keith Mills was idly picking his nose, he withdrew his finger, examined what he'd dug out with idle curiousity and flicked it across the table at Donna Cullen who was absent mindedly leafing through an Ann Summers catalogue. To his left, Kevan Watts was sat playing Fruit Ninja on his iPhone and Harry Redknapp was doodling on a pad of paper, Kevin Bond was sitting staring at the ceiling, whistling.
Suddenly the huge plasma TV on the wall flickered into life as the satellite link with the Bahamas kicked in and Joe Lewis appeared on the screen sat in a chair stroking a cat with more than a little of the menace of Ernst Stavro Blofeld about him.
"So" he began."Have we decided yet?"
"No Uncle Joe, we're just about to start" replied a smug looking Daniel Levy. And he had every right to be smug. He'd just finished a report in which he'd investigated the clubs canteen finances during which a switch he'd instigated from PG Tips teabags to Tesco Value ones had saved the club £14.33p per month. The new stadium wasn't going to pay for itself was it?
"Get back to me when it's done Danny" said Lewis, tapping the side of his nose and then the screen went blank.
The sound of the crowd was drifting into the boardroom and the chant 'we want Levy out say we want Levy out' was getting louder and louder as more and more fans arrived to protest.
"I think you dropped a massive bollock this time Danny" said Redknapp, "the boy Sanchez was a top top player but that was in the 80's when he was 25, they ain't 'aving it this time"
He went on......
"164 goals in 207 games for Real Madrid is a triffic record but he's in his 50's now, what the fuck did you think you were doing?"
Donna Cullen looked up from her catalogue and asked "Do you think it inappropriate if I bought a Red teddy?" Levy rolled his eyes and replied to Harry "Look, it's about saving money. He's got a great record and comes cheap. He assures me he's fit and its the best I could do given the time we had"
Redknapp laughed. "You had three bloody months, not to mention last January and not to mention the summer before that. In a whole year the best you can come up with is Hugo fackin Sanchez?"
"No wonder they want your head" He laughed, pointing out the window toward the fans. "You done it this time Danny, you and your last minute games, you've well and truly done it now"
Levy smiled."Well they aren't getting my head are they. Now lets cut to the chase. Who are we going to blame? Who do we have who can take one for the team?"
Keith Mills looked up and said "What we need is a DoF" then resumed excavating the contents of his nose. "Not all the time I got a hole in my arse" said Redknapp.
Suddenly the noise of the crowd got appreciably louder. A secretary with extraordinarily large tits burts into the room and said that the crowd had broken through the gates are were now trying to break through the very doors of the office complex.
"right.....that's me out" said Redknapp, "Here's my resignation, i'm off to manage England" Before he could get out of his chair a crowd burst into the boardroom. The occupants backed away into one corner as the room rapidly filled up with what appeared to be almost exclusively spotty nerdy looking teenagers.
Redknapp pushed Levy to the front of the group who were by now huddled at the end of the desk by the windows. "Who are you and what do you want?" said Levy.
"You've made us look like a proper bunch of bullshitters Levy and we've had enough" growled a guy who looked like a cross between the Milky Bar Kid and Joe 90.
"I can explain everything, signing Hugo Sanchez wasn't my idea" replied Levy, who by know was sweating his bald tits off.
"Sanchez Schmanchez, that isn't what we're here for......grab him boys!"
Several of the crowd lurched forward, grabbed Levy and tied him to a chair.
"What's going on? What are you lot playing at?" Asked Donna Cullen "You can shut it treacle, keep your gob shut and you might get out of here in one piece" He went on........."My name is BEN and i've got every Spurs ITK here with me. For far too long now you've made us look bad and now you're gonna learn your lesson"
Daniel Levy squirmed and struggled against the rope, if only he hadn't spread so many falsehoods, led so many people up blind alleys and went to such great lengths to hide Spurs real transfer targets."I promise to go back to how it was" he said, panic starting to set in.
"All the names we gave out, all the clues, everything was for nothing and you ruined us Levy. You couldn't flog any of the shite we had on the books and now we're looking like right proper shysters. Well now it's time to meet a couple of friends of mine"
BEN took out his iPod and selected a track. He looked at Levy and smiled as he pressed play.
The song Stuck in the Middle With You by Stealers Wheel broke into the otherwise electric silence, the assembled ITK's parted as two men dressed in black suits, white shirt, black tie and sunglasses walked in each holding a cut-throat razor........
Mr Levy, meet my friends..........Mr Blue and Mr Yellow.
Mr Blue and Mr Yellow stopped in the centre of the room and danced around Levy, whose eyes were wider than Danielle Lloyds legs at a Spurs end of season party. Every few seconds one of them slashed at him with their razor, missing him by inches. You could cut the tension with a knife as the song played out and Mr Blue and Mr Yellow continued their macabre dance.
"I hope you lot are watching this" BEN asked the assembled board members.
"Watch and learn what happens when you mess with ITK....and you Harry, enough with the fucking interviews OK?"
Harry nodded furiously. He was twitching so much that his face looked like his eyeballs were plugged directly into the mains power supply. The big titted secretary stared on in erotic fascination. She reached into her pocket for her compact roger rabbit and silenty slipped into the executive slash house.
Suddenly a window broke and a canister rolled into the middle of the room and exploded, giving out a searing flash of light which blinded everyone in the room. The lights went out as the doors to the boardroom were blown off and several SAS Troopers rushed in. Shots were fired and confusion reigned as the room became a hellhouse of shouting, screaming and shadowy figures flitting across the room.
What seemed like hours later but was in reality only a few minutes, the smoke cleared and all of the ITK's were lying on the floor, dead. One of the SAS men untied Levy and asked if he was OK.
"Yes, yes I am thank you, but you cut it fine didn't you?" The SAS man winked at Levy "Knowing how much you like to do things at the last minute we thought you'd appreciate the irony"
"Whaddya mean they cut it fine?" asked Kevin Bond. "You mean to say you knew this was going to happen?, you actually planned this whole thing?"
The big titted secretary emerged from the bog, looking rather flush in the face and weak at the knees. "Have I missed anything?" She asked, looking furtively about her to see if anyone had guessed what she'd been up to.
Levy smiled. "How else was I going to finally rid us of this ITK stuff that has been undermining what we're doing for so many years? Now we're free of it, we can get on with our business without the need for so much secrecy, for today, for the first time in many years, ITK is dead!"
Everyone stood and applauded Levy. They even gave out three cheers and sang 'for he's a jolly good fellow'
Everyone except one man. One man, whose head was covered with a black floppy hat. The shadowy figure wrapped a black cape around him, covering everything but his eyes which glinted at Levy as he whispered to himself
"That's what you think Danny boy" He turned, his cape flowing around him as he did so.
And like a mysterious Goat wearing a black cape, he was gone............….
THE END
PS: Im not saying Mrs A&C is hairy 'down there' but my daughter was born with carpet burns
