- Feb 1, 2005
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- #1
But first............
BEN HER – A tale of the eyeteekay
Using the SC Time Machine we went back to ancient Roman times, specifically to a date a few days before the great chariot race.
I was lying on a couch being fed grapes by a naked slave with massive bosoms but it didn’t feel right. Tits that big just don’t look right on a geezer. So I got up and changed couches. This one was better. The bosoms were slightly smaller but these came with a vadge and as she was just starting to tickle my town halls a eunuch entered, carrying a roll of parchment.
‘Read it’ I said as I shifted slightly and let out a rip snorting fart, straight into the female slaves face.
The eunuch, who was naturally unnmoved by the site of the slave girls head bobbing up and down as she tried her best not to gag said ‘its from the Prince of Her’
You mean ‘BEN her?’ I asked………The eunuch nodded.
‘He says we’re signing Lesteri Piggottus to drive our chariot in the great race’
I dismissed the eunuch and as he left a thought crossed my mind ‘Oddieus’ I called. The eunuch turned, I said ‘In future bring me all ITK straight away
And that was the first ever ITK in ancient Rome. And like all new fashions, it caught on quickly. A while later, I was being carried through the streets in a litter by four slaves (I was going to choose the Mk6 but being carried by six slaves seemed a tad extravagant) and I saw a poster nailed to a wall. It was a proclamation by Senator Acqiulinusyid stating that he had been informed that a meltdown of all gold coin was to be held and a trophy fashioned out of it all to present to the winner of the great race. More ITK. And the people were lapping it up.
As we paraded through the street, people were gathered everywhere, discussing the latest ITK, I could hear snippets as we passed
‘psst! Noodlus says we could get new horses’
‘It’s true! Archibaldus thinks we’re investing in new chariots’
One person was arrested and banned from public meetings on the spot for talking about something off topic when he asked if the price of oranges had gone up.
The frenzy was astonishing. Finally we reached the city square. A messenger was stood on some steps with literally hundreds of people gathered around him. ‘A prclomation from Guyus Julius Pottle’ he shouted. ‘To celebrate the great race we shall be sacrificing a Goat’………..Just as he’d got the word ‘Goat’ out an arrow fizzed through the air and killed him stone dead.
Someone screamed ‘The Messenger has been shot, the Messenger has been shot’ and people started running in a panic. Calm was eventually restored after several arrests were made.
Eventually, The great race arrived, the race was run and none of the ITK’s predictions bore fruit. As one wise old man put it, ITK had never been the same since the Oracles at Delphi disappeared.
And now it was time for me to come back. I paid one last visit to the spa where I was pleasured by a mother and daughter from Gaul using techniques passed down from ancient Karnak. I laughed as the wizened old hag pointed at me as I left and said……….
In the beginning, there was chaos. Chaos was darkness, the waters of the abyss. The first god, The Goat, arose from the waters using nothing but his own strength to give form to his body. The Goat existed alone. All was his. Yesterday and tomorrow were his. Alone, he took his penis in his hand. He made love to his fist. He made his exquisite joy with his fingers. And from the flame of the fiery blast which he kindled with his hand, eyeteekay was formed.
And there you have it. ITK in ancient Roman times. How much has changed? How much has survived the thousands of years and has its roots in Rome? I’ll leave that up to you to decide………
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