The non-thinking man's guide to football analysis:
The following negative expressions have all been applied by 'supporters' recently on Spurs Community to members of the Tottenham squad. I have been trying to work out whether they are as uninformed, meaningless and dismissive as they seem.
Crap All purpose general term for player below the level of expectation. Often in conjunction with Darren Bent, our top scorer and 8<sup>th</sup> in the Premiership at the moment. Certain players never fall into this category even when they have an off day; Ledley, Wilson and Robbie for example. Some players always fall into this category even when they play well; JJ and Darren spring to mind.
Shite Like 'crap' but more forceful.
Rubbish Like 'crap' but less forceful. Applied to someone you don't like but not the one you hate most. So Jenas is 'rubbish' but Bentley is 'shite' or visa versa. Fill in your own favourites as appropriate.
Garbage Player with multiple footballing deficits. I think that this is going out of favour now that recycling separates the valuable elements from the waste material.
Waste of space Philosophically quite hard this one since a space is empty anyway. Taken to mean that a player is occupying a space that would be better filled by another player.
So inferior occupation of a space rather than a waste. Usually JJ and previously Bentley.
Wanker A player who does not pass to his fellow players. He only plays with himself. Previously applied to referees on false medical assumptions.
Goes missing Announced over the tannoy, appears on the team sheet and is present during the warm up but when the game starts mysteriously disappears. Usually JJ.
Fails to turn up. Often applied to a team whose bus breaks down on the M1. Can also apply to an individual, usually JJ, who makes the team sheet but not the warm up or the match.
Lacks mobility Slow, cumbersome, overweight, stumbles into opponents and team mates alike.
Always with reference to Tom Huddlestone.
Anonymous A player whose Mum forgot to wash his shirt and has to wear a spare, or JJ.
Blip Winning 1-0 with eight minutes to go and losing 2-1. More recently winning 2-0 with half an hour to go and losing 5-2.
I am sure contributors can supply their own examples and apply them to their 'favourites'.
I conclude that almost all of these terms are in fact just as uninformed, meaningless and dismissive as they actually seem.
Please note that no 'Darrens' or 'Jermaines' were killed in the writing of this column.
The following negative expressions have all been applied by 'supporters' recently on Spurs Community to members of the Tottenham squad. I have been trying to work out whether they are as uninformed, meaningless and dismissive as they seem.
Crap All purpose general term for player below the level of expectation. Often in conjunction with Darren Bent, our top scorer and 8<sup>th</sup> in the Premiership at the moment. Certain players never fall into this category even when they have an off day; Ledley, Wilson and Robbie for example. Some players always fall into this category even when they play well; JJ and Darren spring to mind.
Shite Like 'crap' but more forceful.
Rubbish Like 'crap' but less forceful. Applied to someone you don't like but not the one you hate most. So Jenas is 'rubbish' but Bentley is 'shite' or visa versa. Fill in your own favourites as appropriate.
Garbage Player with multiple footballing deficits. I think that this is going out of favour now that recycling separates the valuable elements from the waste material.
Waste of space Philosophically quite hard this one since a space is empty anyway. Taken to mean that a player is occupying a space that would be better filled by another player.
So inferior occupation of a space rather than a waste. Usually JJ and previously Bentley.
Wanker A player who does not pass to his fellow players. He only plays with himself. Previously applied to referees on false medical assumptions.
Goes missing Announced over the tannoy, appears on the team sheet and is present during the warm up but when the game starts mysteriously disappears. Usually JJ.
Fails to turn up. Often applied to a team whose bus breaks down on the M1. Can also apply to an individual, usually JJ, who makes the team sheet but not the warm up or the match.
Lacks mobility Slow, cumbersome, overweight, stumbles into opponents and team mates alike.
Always with reference to Tom Huddlestone.
Headless chicken Athletic and quick but can't pass or shoot. The opposite of Huddlestone. Usually applied to Zokora. Can't head a ball either presumably.
Invisible Like anonymous but more so.
Inconsistent Ah, JJ again. Some dispute as to whether he is consistently inconsistent or inconsistently consistent. Plays excellently in one game and then is just very good in the next. Statistics show that we are better with him but never let the facts get in the way of a good fall guy.
I am sure contributors can supply their own examples and apply them to their 'favourites'.
I conclude that almost all of these terms are in fact just as uninformed, meaningless and dismissive as they actually seem.
Please note that no 'Darrens' or 'Jermaines' were killed in the writing of this column.