- Jun 27, 2004
Today is July the 1st which means one thing: the transfer window is now open. By my reckoning that makes it about a month until we sign someone. So to pass some of the time here are the most memorable Spurs transfers of the 2050s.
1. Quarkus Tesco – Aisle 6 to Tottenham, 2059
In August 1959 Tottenham found their preparations for the Lunar Series thrown into chaos as the majority of their squad contracted a strange space virus. The extreme symptoms of bone jellification and wandering brain syndrome caused 8 of the players to die instantly, a condition which would see them sidelined for the majority of the season.
With only 3 hours of the transfer window remaining, Spurs fans believed that their season was over before it had begun. The Tottenham chairman took unprecedented action and declared that he would be looking for players from an unusual source – Tesco’s finest packaged humans. Usually purchased as company for lonely people, or as emergency guests for a sparsely populated party, the artificial humans had a wide range of uses, and yet the galaxy watched with interest as Quargus Tesco became the first artificial human to play a professional sport. Tottenham fans celebrated their new hero, with a renewed confidence in their quest to become the first ever Earth-based club to win a major interplanetary tournament.
Quargus Tesco went on to have one of the worst debuts in professional sports history, and was returned to the store just 4 days after being signed.
2.Ledley Campbell – Tottenham to Moon Lakers (Free Transfer), 2054
Before cloning became outlawed throughout sport in the late 2060s Tottenham were the main beneficiaries, boasting 4 players of genetically identical parentage in their 2053/54 squad. The most significant of these was the captain Ledley Campbell, widely regarded as the best defender of all time.
The controversy began when the Spurs legend was pictured in a Moon Lakers shirt in January 2054, fuelling rumours that he would join the side when his Tottenham contract expired at the end of the season. Campbell claimed that it was not him in the photo and that it was simply a case of mistaken identity. The Moon Lakers manager insisted that Campbell had indeed signed a deal, and would join them in the summer.
A few weeks later pictures were leaked onto the internet that showed a formal Moon Lakers contract being signed by Ledley Campbell. Although the picture was confirmed as genuine by the Moon Lakers chairman, Campbell again claimed that it was a hoax, insisting that he was not signing the contract in the picture, as most believed, but that he was in fact scribbling all over it as a sign of rejection. Two goals and a man of the match performance from the defender in Tottenham’s next game would see the fans supporting him vocally once again.
Ledley Campbell was again the focus of transfer rumours as SKY reporters took pictures of him on a spaceship heading to the moon. Campbell claimed that he was just going on holiday, and finished the season strongly, dedicating the team’s win on the last day of the 2053/54 season to the fans, promising that he would never leave the club. Two days later Campbell left Tottenham and joined the Lakers, claiming that he was confused as anybody.