It was with some surprise today that The Queen spoke out on the current controversy surrounding “The G Word”.
“Arsenal should certainly be allowed to call themselves ‘Goons’," said Her Majesty. "One is an Arsenal fan as it is the only ground one can attend without getting a headache from all the noise. I am proud, like other celebrity fans such as despot Jonathan Davies and lovely Osama bin Laden, to call myself a Gooner. One doesn’t normally break diplomatic silence, but every other fucker is commenting on this so I thought I’d say my piece.”
Debate has raged recently about how politically correct it is to use the phrase ‘Goon’ in modern society. ‘Goon’ has historically been used to describe people of low intelligence. Arsenal fans, a large proportion of whom boast tiny, tiny intellects, claim that their use of the phrase ‘Goon’ to describe themselves is evidence of them reclaiming this negative word from bigots and breaking a taboo.
David Baddiel, a famous simpleton, argues that using the word ‘Goon’ is basically the same as genocide.
The Football Association has said any Arsenal fan using the phrase Goon will be arrested and shot dead on the spot to prove to these fans the importance of political correctness. “’Goon’ is derogatory and offensive. They have mocked their last imbecile” said some pen-pusher from Soho Square.
Tony Adams, former Arsenal captain and quasi-equine quadruped hit back at these remarks by saying “I’m a really good football manager. Honest. I’m currently managing a team in the 5th division in Kazakhstan whose name I can’t pronounce. The league is more competitive than you’d think but we recently registered our first win of the season after 25 games when we told the opposition the game was on a Sunday but it was actually Saturday so they forfeited. What? ‘Goon’? Yeah, I’m good mates with Paul Merson, what of it? …Can I have a job in England please?”
PFA Chairman Clarke Carlisle managed to stop calling people “shithouses” for just long enough to say “Do Arsenal have a right to appropriate the term ‘Goon’ when it is indescribably offensive to other people?”
When asked who it is offensive to, Carlisle ummed and ahhed then muttered “David Baddiel” under his breath before calling someone a “shithouse” and walking off. Carlisle later denied calling David Baddiel a shithouse.
Arsenal fans have reacted vehemently to the suggestion that their use of the word ‘Goon’ should be banned. They contend that it is merely a way of exerting their identity and is not used as hate speech. Their traditionally moronic support uses the word ‘Goon’ in response to the aggressive and disrespectful chants from other clubs’ supporters who chant anti-idiot songs at them.
“We are just trying to show that we won’t stand for this abuse,” said Sonia Jackson from Eastenders. “We hate abuse of stupid people, so we’ve reclaimed the word ‘Goon’ as our way of fighting back. Arsenal fans have been picked on for our tiny brains for generations. These days, we may not ALL have tiny brains, but over time even those of us with a little bit of intelligence have come together under the banner of ‘Goon’ and embraced the idiocy that defines what it is to be an Arsenal fan. No matter what the FA or David Baddiel says, we are morons and we’re proud of it. It’s our identity.”
The debate continues.