- Feb 1, 2005
As is our habit, at this time of year we post SC's ITK version of Charles Dickens "Christmas Carol"…….This was first posted in 2011 but parts of it are still relevant……...
A TRANSFER WINDOW CAROL
White Hart Lane at night can be a magical place. When standing in the
executive boardroom looking out onto the pitch it isn't hard to picture some of the great names of the past doing their stuff on the pitch or to hear the roar of the crowd. Daniel Levy had often stood as he was now, hands in pockets, taking it all in, only it wasn't the same any more. The excitement he felt when he first stood in this same spot had long since been diluted as the transformation from fan to chairman had begun to effect him.
For Daniel Levy the magic had long gone and he didn't even know it.
Harry Redknapp was struggling to improve his team. More transfer windows than he cared to remember had passed without much happening and as he watched his players train, he wondered if his favourite player, who everyone called 'Tiny Tom' would manage to stay fit through the month. Still, he hoped that this transfer window would be different.
Back at White Hart Lane, Daniel Levy finished his Mushroom Salad and made his way home. Even the transfer window had lost its allure now. The chairmen of other clubs were wary of him now that his methods had been sussed and his popularity with the fans was on the wane. But he didn't care much about that, he was determined to do it his way. The strange feeling that had made him restless all day just wouldn't leave him and as he got into bed he decided that it'd all be right in the morning, his head hit the pillow and he dozed off.
A couple of hours later he awoke, transformed from deep sleep to as alert as a man could be in an instant. The sound of a clock ticking filled the room. Levy wondered where it was coming from as his bedside clock was digital. Suddenly a figure appeared at the bottom of his bed, swinging a large clock from a chain.................
"Who the fuck are you?" Demanded Levy. "I've got a panic button" Levy reached for it and pushed. Nothing. He pushed and pushed again. Still nothing. Suddenly the ticking of the clock stopped.
"I am the ghost of transfer windows past" boomed the shadowy figure "And i'm here to show you the error of your miserly ways"
"Ahhh fuck off" Said Levy "Ghost my arse" and he threw the panic alarm at him, which passed straight through his chest and landed on the floor. Levy sat bolt upright, eyes wide open in disbelief.
"Come with me Daniel, come with me, come Daniel" Suddenly there were at Levy's old public school. The Headmaster was sat at his desk while the Head Boy was giving him a nosh. "Ooops, wrong room" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past......"Well it shows why they called him The Head Boy though doesn't it?....Were you ever Head Boy Daniel?"
Levy shook his head furiously and was still shaking it when they reappeared in another room. "But but....that's me!" Said Levy pointing at a young schoolboy with pert buttocks, cap set at a jaunty angle with rosy cheeks.
He was jumping up and down with joy whilst talking on the phone "They signed them papa, they signed them......gosh can you believe it papa? Ardiles and Villa playing for Spurs? Oh papa, please tell mummykins that i'd absolutely love to go and watch a game"
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past looked at Daniel who stood there, unmoved. "mummykins?" Said the Ghost........."Meh.....I was young and didn't know any better" Said Levy. The Ghost shook his head and asked "Don't you remember the thrill you got when Spurs made the headlines with a big signing?......Don't you understand that there are thousands of little boys out there who have never had that feeling?"
"Feelings? Bollocks to that, i've got a business to run"
Suddenly he was back in bed. Alone. Levy wondered wether it had all been a dream. That's it, he'd been dreaming. Serves him right for having that Mushroom Salad just after he'd given the secretary from accounting a good old fashioned seeing to across his desk. The memory reminded him.
He must sack the slut when he got into the office in the morning. Suddenly the sound of a ticking clock invaded the silence.
"Fucking hell not again" mumbled Levy, hiding under the duvet. The ticking
stopped and after a few minutes silence Levy popped his head out from under the duvet.
"Boo!" Levy screamed a high pitched scream which was only heard by several dogs in the area. A big booming laugh rang out "Hello Daniel, i'm the Ghost of Transfer Windows Present"
"I'm dreaming, i'm dreaming" repeated Levy as the Ghost beckoned to him,
"Let's go take a look around the country at the fans of other clubs"
Suddenly they were in a council house in Liverpool. A whole family were
celebrating a new signing. Two teenage girls with moustaches were high fiving eachother as their boyfriends, also with moustaches were excitedly kicking a rolled up sock around the living room. "Allright, eh eh soft lad, caaalm down"
In a flash they were in Manchester where two brand new City fans were joyfully celebrating the signing of Aguero. Whoosh! Suddenly they were in a cemetary. A crow was taking a dump on a tombstone. Levy looked down and read the inscription. It read 'Here lay the hopes and dreams of Spurs fans everywhere'
"Sad isn't it?" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present "Why can't Spurs fans join in the fun?" Asked Levy. The Ghost frowned. "Don't you know Daniel?.......When was the last time you signed someone for the club?
All those last minute games you like to play.....When? When Daniel, when?"
Levy closed his eyes, determined not to face the truth "When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"
The words echoed in his mind, on and on.....When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"All right give it a rest will you!" he shouted opening his eyes, but he was back in bed again and the Ghost of Transfer Window Present was nowhere to be seen.
"Don't go back to sleep Daniel"
Levy shrieked and jumped out of his skin. Another Ghost was sitting in the bed next to him, smiling.
"You're the Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come aren't you?" asked Levy.
"Yes I am Daniel, i'm going to show you the misery you and your brinkmanship will cause unless you change your ways........"
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come snapped his fingers and they
appeared in a typical family living room. Someone in a Spurs shirt got up from the sofa, threw his laptop against the wall, kicked the cat and started to make small cuts on his todger with a razor blade.
"Thats SS57 from Spurs Community" said the Ghost. He snapped his fingers again. This time they appeared in Bill_Oddies 24th floor office. Oddie tied some rope to his ankles, opened a window and threw himself out. The last he heard was Oddie screaming "No signiiiiiiiiings"
"Bah" Said Levy, "the rope will save him"
"I'm afraid not" said the Ghost. "The silly sod used 25 floors worth of rope"
Then The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come clicked his fingers again and all sorts of images went flashing before Levy's eyes. All the misery being suffered by Spurs fans everwhere. At first Spurs slipped back from contenders to also rans, in time relegation followed. At last Levy really understood, there was no fun, no excitement for Spurs fans anymore......
"I get it, I really do get it" said Levy. "I'll change, just give me the
chance" The images stopped as suddenly as they'd started and Levy was back in his bed. Alone.
He got out of bed, got dressed and drove to his office as fast as he could.
As he pulled up in the executive car park Levy spotted a young boy kicking a ball against a wall "Hey you" he shouted...
The boy saw who was shouting, picked up his ball and turned to run away when Levy caught him by the arm........"what day is it?"
"Why its the last day of the transfer window guvnor"
"Its the last day of the transfer window, its not too late, its not too late!"
Levy sang and danced his way into his offices, several of the staff huddled together debating wether or not to call for medical assistance.
Levy sat at his desk, drew a deep breath and called his secretary and Harry Redknapp into his office.
"Right, where do we stand on new signings?" He asked
"We don't Mr Levy, nothing is imminent but as of yesterday our position was that the clubs concerned would weaken and get back to us with an hour to go"
"Sod that, give me their names"
The secretary leafed through some pages on a clipboard. "Rossi, we offered £10m his club want £23m"
Redknapps eyes bulged open wide and the secretary dropped her pen.
"Adebayor......City want to sell not loan, it'll cost us £12m but Adebayor is
willing to take a 30% cut in wages"
"Do the deal" said Levy
Redknapp fainted. The secretary looked at Levy. "You make me wet" she
stammered. "I know love, I know....... oh and accept the offers we have for the players we want to sell"
"From now on we're doing deals early and we're going to make Spurs great
The secretary ripped her shirt off, fell back on the desk and said "Do me now, you know how I like it"
"You got it sweetcheeks" said Redknapp and Levy in unison as they both stepped forward, stopped and looked at eachother. The secretary smiled at their confusion "aaah sod it, OK both of you then"
A shadowy figure in the background laughed and whispered into a mobile phone......
"Broadsword calling about Danny Boy, Broadsword calling about Danny Boy.....This is Agent Phantom at the Lane......Everything went according to plan. The magic mushrooms worked and it looks like everything will be OK, Blue and Yellow, Da and Meiow, Over and Out"
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past was played by Gregor Rasiak
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present was played by David Bentley
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come was played by Lionel Messi
Bill Oddie still hasn't hit the ground and at the last count SS57 had 439 cuts on his todger.
The Scouse couple had a baby with a full lush moustache which they named Chantelle. The baby will be named later.