- Feb 1, 2005
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I came home from work yesterday and found the Wife sobbing on the couch.
"I've heard that you say you don't love me anymore;" she sobbed.
"And you wish I'd just fuck off back to my mum's."
"That's not true'" I reassured her.
"I don't give a fuck WHERE you go."
THE PHANTOM IS MENACED
Link to Chapter One: The first casualty of ITK is the truth.
Chapter Two: Rosie 47
Goatbacca paced up and down, his mind working furiously trying to find a solution. Finally, he stopped pacing, turned to look at Obi-Wan Pottle and said “Catch you the evil twins must not, in you, the farce is not yet strong.”
He knew he had to keep Pottle away from Darth Blue and Darth Yellow and he knew only one place where he would be safe. He turned to Pottle and said ‘There’s only one place you can go”
“Where’s that then?” asked Obi-Wan Pottle
“Rosie 47”
Rosie 47 is a safe haven for the Jed-ITK. Located in Monaco, it gave those who could afford it, complete anonymity and secrecy and it was the perfect place for Pottle to hide until Goatbaccca could deal with Darth Blue and Darth Yellow. Rosie 47 was the perfect place for anyone wanting to hide something.
Darth Lee Vee was vexed. He still hadn’t heard from the two Darths and was getting impatient. “Those two ****s had better not be out there treating this like a beano” he thought. As he surfed his favorite website, lastminute.com. He never bought anything from there, but the name appealed to him for some strange reason.
Darth Blue and Darth Yellow were sat in their usual haunt, Doms Café in Stoke Newington, discussing their next move. “Well I’m buggered if I know where to look” sighed Blue “It’s as if the ground has swallowed him up” he continued as he took a bite from his bacon sandwich. The owner, Dom walked over and said ‘You two heard the latest?”
“No” replied Yellow, ‘Go on then”…….Dom smiled…….”Aguero to Spurs”
Blue pulled out a gun and shot him twice at point blank range. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times” Yellow shouted at Blue ‘Don’t shoot the messenger”
“Even if the message is bollocks?” asked Darth Blue.
“Even then” said Darth Yellow, “It is the No1 rule of the Farce”
Suddenly, Dom groaned as he lay there, his life ebbing away. Darth Blue knelt and cradled Dom in his arms, “What’s that?” he said as Dom mumbled something inaudible. Darth Blue lowered his head to Dom’s lips ‘Say that again Dom” Dom struggled for breath and with one final burst of energy, whispered “Rosebud” and his head slumped back as he died.
“Whadde say?” asked Darth Yellow
“Rosebud” replied Darth Blue, “What the fuck does that mean?”
“Dunno” said Darth Yellow “He was a **** anyway, come on, lets get back to the boss”
When they arrived back in Darth Lee Vee’s office, they found him engaged in his weekly game of Strip Battleships with Darth Cull Hen, who must have been on a losing streak as she was sat on the beanbag, gash out with only her designer bra left to lose.
“R2” said Darth Lee Vee as he took his turn “Miss” came the reply
“D2” responded Darth Cull Hen, “Miss” Laughed Lee Vee
“C3” enquired Lee Vee “Miss” said Cull Hen
“P0” said Cull Hen “Shit!” shouted Lee Vee, “You’ve sunk my Battleship”
He stood and angrily upturned the game before noticing that Darths Blue and Yellow were there.
“Ah, I’ve been wondering where you two have been. What have you got for me?”
“Err, not much really boss” said Darth Blue “He’s disappeared and we nobody is talking”
Darth Yellow nudged Blue. “Tell him about what Dom said”
“What about him, what did he say?” asked Lee Vee.
“Rosebud”
Darth Lee Vee pressed the intercom on his desk and spoke to his secretary. “Get them two ****s Darth Blue and Darth Yellow tickets to Monaco.
“Good work boys”
Darths Blue and Yellow looked at each other, confused. “It is?” asked Yellow.
Lee Vee smiled as he pressed the intercom button for a second time. “And bring me the file on Rosie 47” He lifted his finger from the button before carrying on……..”you slut”
He leaned back on his chair, a smug look on his face. “You boys are going to France” he said. “And when you get there, you’re to find Obi-Wan Pottle and bring him back here to me”
Darths Blue & Yellow left Lee Vee’s offices, got into a great big black 4x4 and sped off toward the airport. They were unaware that they were being followed. 45 minutes later they arrived at their destination.
Ben Solo picked up his iPhone and made a call. “Goatbacca? That you? I’ve followed them to the airport, I’ll find out what flight they are on”
Ten minutes later he called again. Goatbacca put the phone down, a worried look on his face.
Next up Chapter 3: Nemesis
In other news:
The Daily Mirror reckon that: Tottenham want to sign 24-year-old Mauro Zarate on loan. The Lazio striker caught Harry Redknapp's eye when on loan with Birmingham City three years ago.
Eek
The Daily Telegraph report that: Jose Mourinho will quit Spanish league leaders Real Madrid in the summer amid reports of a training ground argument between the former Chelsea boss and senior players Iker Casillas and Sergio Ramos.
Could be handy if we're in the market for a manager.
The Sun tell us that: Arsenal's Robin van Persie insists he did not question Arsene Wenger's judgement to substitute Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain in the weekend defeat to Manchester United. The Dutchman, caught on camera voicing his disbelief, says he was simply "sad" to see the winger leave the field.
Latest reports have Arsene Wenger last seen bent over in front of a banner saying "In Arsene we thrust"
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