- Feb 1, 2005
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Experts are predicting that the mystery virus Eyeteekayus Layzuslow will have run its course by 11pm tonight and mass returns to work and rises in productivity are anticipated. Rail, Bus and Tube companies have laid on extra trains to cope with the demand.
A consortium of charities, including Help the Aged, The RSPCA and Dr Bernardo's have been accused of 'Tapping Up' by Spurs Community as rumours persist of a bid by the consortium to headhunt A&C to raise funds for them.
A&C is quoted as saying 'fuck the charities, donate to Spurs Community instead'
Sky Sports News' resident Stoof lookalike Brian Swanson, has chubbied out his cheeks and sparkled his hampsteads in readiness for the big event and Deth Sharma has taken delivery of 400 mobile phones.
Jim White took a break from fingering Hayley McQueen to tell us that "Its the biggest sporting event of the year folks"
Hayley McQueen took a break from fingering the magnificently bosomed Natalie Sawyer to assure everyone that her tits were real.
Staff at Sky are currently playing 'guess who' by sniffing eachothers fingers. Kermit and Miss Piggy declined an offer to take part.
SSN's resident Yiddo, Clare Tomlinson vowed to stay professional after learning that Spurs had signed Louis Saha, although she was spotted shortly afterwards speeding toward Mill Hill carrying a sawn off shotgun.
In an evil twist, producers at Sky Sports News have raised the frequency with which the 'Breaking News' banner will swish across the screen. They are well aware that every time it does so, Spurs fans everywhere lean forward in eager anticipation. You may well hear giggling 'off air', so don't fall for it!
The BBC's live transferwatch will be closely monitored by 'journalists' at the Daily Mail who in turn will be monitored by BBC staff. Popular opinion is that both will disappear up their own arses in a puff of Blue and Yellow rumoursmoke.
As for the ITK's.......Well, that's anyone's guess.
Enjoy the day everyone and remember, don't get too annoyed when we sign no-one. Its been on the cards all month.
I got 99 problems son and the Spurs ain't one of 'em :wink: